So, I am currently sitting in the "business corner" of my new home, Panera. Second day in a row, but with time on my hands before my next commitment and the desire to feel connected has me sitting here in the only place I am certain that has free wi-fi. I am stumbling to find words and I seem to be heaving a small sigh.I don't know how good for me this being connected is. AH, I am such a contradiction at times. I look to this time, in hopes of chatting with a dear friend, though I am instead retelling myself my story to the likes of my computer screen, in the background is the rumble of deep conversation of two men chatting up the business. I am fighting my first worries, as well. In an hour or so, I will be going back to the church to lend a hand with Middle School---and it is so different. Little kids don't seem to pass any judgment, but here I am, and all I can think about is what will they think of me? I know it isn't even a big deal; I know that I am who I am. I have no desire in putting up a front, and in the back of my mind I know, that it will all be okay. That there is no need to worry. NO need to doubt. God has this taken care of, just like He had this whole opportunity taken care of.
Anyways, hmm. Let me recount my day...I made copy after copy. Ventured to the staff meeting and it seemed that my list kept getting longer, with nothing being able to be crossed off. No one was disappointed with my somewhat lack of productivity, but myself.
Oh Father, I just need to rest in You. I just need to sit and bask in Your silence. I need to let myself unwind, and stop trying to do something. I think I am trying to overthink, overdo. I am losing sight of why I am here. I am losing sight of myself and who You are, all I seem to be seeing is my fear. I falter by trying and pushing myself constantly. Times like this, when I just want to be lost in the chattering of children, lost in the current of laughter, lost in the brownest of eyes I have ever seen. There is a clarity there, that I haven't come across here. Yet Father, as You wrote through me just mere days ago, there is beauty in this waiting state. So thus, I will trust. Thus, I will not rush to push myself into the busyness. Thus, I will be content in Your silence.