I know that I have admitted this truth awhile back here before, I guess whenever it returns to me I find myself needing to rationalize it and question myself, 'is this really true?' My dislike for holidays, albeit, sure today doesn't appear to be a holiday to most--paling in comparison to the heavily laden traditions coming alongside Christmas or Thanksgiving, but nonetheless, today is a day set aside to celebrate Mother's. And like past holidays, this one has proven to be none different. One spent in tears. One spent questioning do I, more importantly, does my family have it in them? To get through. To just keep breathing.
I know God is here with me. I feel Him, but I am struggling. Yet I am too weary to burden anyone with more tears. So here I am, I have run to this place for comfort, for silence, for solace, for peace which is lacking. For a reminder that I am not alone, that I am found in His arms of love.
I am wounded. I am scarred. I am weary. I am torn. I am hurt. Because what I saw today, is unspeakable. Those very same actions, are what nearly took my father away from me. I am faint. I want to keep moving, but each step seems to require more from me. There is growth in it, I know that, but there are moments such as these, that leave my heart thinking there isn't enough in me to keep fighting.
My eyes fell upon this, in Day 27, of the book I am reading. Perfect timing.
"As we walk with God and observe our circumstances, we can be honest about the hurts and the joys. If we are truthful with God about them, he can soothe the hurt and magnify the joys, and we can be honest about the character of God."
So this is a piece of me, from where I am. This is my plea to my Maker who listens, whose love never fails, who is enough in the hurt and the joy...who is here.
May Your love, alone, give me the courage to keep breathing, to keep fighting.