Thursday, December 24, 2009

questioning myself.

So, I have been pondering on a matter as of late....most people are taken aback when I say that I don't like Christmas music, or when I don't reflect as much excitement about the upcoming Holidays...

Usually I just brush it off and leave nothing to be thought of later, but I guess within these quiet halls and not venturing to the outside, I have more time to delve into my thinking. So I thought.

Often joy and hope are automatically associated with Christmas, and as I took a look back into my past here is what I have found:

Junior year in high school, I spent the months of September, October, November, December at the bedside of my Grandfather in the hospital, saying goodbye to him on January 6.

Fast forward to last year, I received a phone call from my mother telling me things were not well with my dad, so the holidays were spent praying for his healing, and for God to provide strength for him to come out from underneath serious depression, praying that we didn't lose him. Christmas Eve and Night were spent in tears, because I could do nothing but go to God with my hurt and my fears.

And here we are today...Christmas Eve...presents remained unopened for quite some time, while tears were spent gracing my cheeks with the company of darkness, as I felt that everything was falling apart.

I say this not to portray a sense of ungratefulness, or to beg for pity. Not by any means, I guess I write this because for so long I had no idea why I didn't look upon the Holidays as most. I guess there is a part of me that finds to take hurt and such pain easier on the average day, more so than during Christmas, I fall into the habit of most, expecting the Holidays to bring nothing but joy, though mine haven't been foreign of pain.

I am holding onto Him. I know He will bring us through. He has proven such time and again...

In Him, I find my peace.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Time, please don't take them away....


Steals and it takes.
Ridding everything she knows, and she is awake.

There are times, she looks down to those beloved names,
and she is scared because nothing remains the same.

They are all miles away.
And today-
the goodbyes became real and they did steal
....the messages singing soft sweet melodies are now hard to feel.

Though she knows that You are here in the pain.
She knows full well that Your love is true, and Your love will remain.

There is just a difficulty to see.
There is just a difficulty to be.

A month passed her by,
and her heart heaves a heavy sigh.
She knows full well what this distance can do.
And so she spends each night on her knees, praying that it won't take you.

Like the others who have graced her past,
who only grace the halls of her memory...
no longer there to grace her present company.

And she just hopes that won't become said of you,
that you will remain of the dear few.
That time will only strengthen this bond,
and that it will overcome this distance into time, beyond.

She falls onto her knees, and decided to hold onto all You are.
Because You are still God, You are near, not far.
Tears of gratitude, they are quick t o fall,
because You turned to her... and you didn't stall.
You came to her and pulled her out of the aching halls,
she is found in You arms of love, and this is what she constantly recalls...

Thursday, December 17, 2009

barely breathing

Stepping through the glass doors opening before her,
not a thought is stirred.

Passing by a myriad of dark wooden shelves, and everything is properly contained.
One foot in the elevator, and it is here, her memories can no longer be restrained.

A chime graces that she has arrived
and it takes everything within her for her emotions to not appear on the outside.

And the tears begin to stand,
heaviness has taken her hand.

She has lost her grip---and now she is clenching fists.
She's barely breathing beneath this darkening mist.
It's the familiar placid walls;
she can barely breathe in these halls.

They speak of pain, days spent begging her grandfather to hold on.
They speak of heartbreaking sights, bidding the children's lives to be awakened to a new dawn.

She knows You will break through.
She knows that her hope is found in You.

Yet, seeing her father lost in brittle sheets;
seems to rob her of her hope-declaring this is too great a feat.
Your little girl, sits off to the side,
looking every which way to find some place, to confide.

The past pain replays and it comes with a quickened clarity.
It is all she can do to reach out blindly, in hopes to see.
To see You, in it all....
even in these painful and these desperate halls.

It was all she could do to remain composed...
to keep Your Word hidden in her heart, present in her mind, to keep it close. was almost as if she held her breath the entire time
holding everything within, even her mere rhymes.

Nearly running as she left, to find the chill and the sun to greet her;
she caught her breath, and her eyes began to blur...

At the sight of daylight,
to see it rising-above the once, encroaching fright.

And she collapsed into the stillness of Your arms,
ashamed to have let her heart be taken and consumed with such alarm.
Ashamed to have become convinced that there was no way out,
to have been overcome by such doubt.

"You were there.
I was scared.
You were there all along.
That is where I went wrong..."

Monday, December 14, 2009

Feelings, undefined.

Sitting, her heart shaking within,

Lost and spent, unaware of the fresh tears that are gracing her cheeks.
And there’s not life in these halls, like what she once knew,
The last awake and fighting off sleep, in the wake of her tears and her fears
She struggles and she is faint, but You are holding her, too.

What is this she feels? What cannot be easily addressed?
What is this burden and weight that she feels resting within her chest?

She has been called to die….

Yet it feels as if she is a living and breathing sigh.

Sleep comes, and it goes,
After taking two blue tablets, when she can no longer fight alone, and overcome her foes.

Though what once had a hold on her heart,
the pursuit she lived in denial of for quite some time, is not having any part.
With these past days,
She has learned, and is still learning to give it away.

So what is this? These tears that are quick to come
This feeling of being slowly unraveled, and left undone?

The wait is being embraced,
She is lost in this chase.
Her soul is finding that there is more to it, than just singing
That there needs to be actions that follow such, there is meaning

So what is this, when most of her feels okay?
What is this, when she knows that You, unlike all else, are here to stay?

There’s a hold on her heart,
at times she feels like she might be wasting away, that she isn’t doing her part…
Lost in a routine, two steps backward,
Or so it seems.

There is a passion that once looked close,
Maybe not in the eyes of most.
But to her, was within her reach of her outstretched hands
She knows it isn’t true, but when the battle gets hard,
the passion once held within reach, now seems to be mere grains of sand.

But You hold her, You aren’t letting her go.
This time she won’t reason something or someone else, in Your place, that she well knows.
This time she won’t run down the stairs,
She won’t leave with You unaware.

You hold her, and this distance isn’t something that will take that away,
You love her, and Your words never leave this unsaid, but rather it is seen and portrayed.

Though they may leave her behind,
Be lost in their contacts, no longer to find.

You hold her, You aren’t letting go.
You are fighting for her and You just want her to know,

“Lone girl,

my very own,

my daughter,

There is hope.

I’d rather die for you, than live without you.

There is requited love, here.

This burden you are bearing,
You needn’t be wearing.

So won’t you, let go of your fears?
I am holding You, I am catching Your tears.”

Friday, December 11, 2009

Words, the sit and fall, and that is all...

Weary. . .

Exhausted, yet pursuing.

Words behind my tongue, I bid them to come.


You are here.

You hold me now.

You keep me moving, when my thoughts beg for rest.
You make sense of me, this frenzied mess.

You know when my cares are many,
Your consolation soothes my soul,
when I don't know where to go...