Thursday, December 30, 2010

always running away...

Where do I go, from here?
How do I move, from this place?

This place of utter brokenness and despair, undeniable shame. What have I done, but ran from You?

You are enough. Isn't that so?

So why do I choose to beckon words to be heard from another in Your place?
Why do I race to find comfort in Your people, instead of falling into your open, loving arms?

All is easier said than done, in this battle raged upon my soul and trembling heart.
Moments are claimed, when I have it all together, everything inside composed, all in one piece.
Seconds pass, when I find myself amidst shards of broken glass, my heart, everything in pieces.

Here I am, not put together, not in one piece.
Here I am, lost and found.
Here I am, broken and mended.
Here I am, alone and Your's.

Here I am, take all of me.
So that I might see past the smoke, and find the truest and purest of all loves, Your love, alone.

I cannot reckon that anyone will ever fill my emptiness. I cannot reckon that anyone will ever know me, as I am known by You. I cannot reckon that anyone will ever love me, as I am loved by You.

I want to love You more. I want to spend, and gladly be spent for You. I want to be right where You are.

I don't have everything together. Yet, I have a heart full of hopes and dreams to do something, be something more for You. Take all of me, so that everyone will know-will know Your name. Because You loved, You loved a people, undeserving.

I just can't bear to see You, left behind anymore. I just can't bear to know that You aren't thought of in my every waking moment. You took my place. It's time that I begin to live truly, live fully alive. It's time that my heart, my life, is a living sacrifice, a testament. It's time that I bear Your markings, more than upon my wrist. It's time that people know that nothing will deter me from giving You my everything, loving You, with everything.

"The Lord protects the simple;
when I was brought low, He saved me.
Return, O my soul, to your rest,
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.
For you have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
I walk before the Lord in the land of living.
I kept my faith, even when I said,
"I am greatly afflicted." Psalm 116: 8-10

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

empty of words, stumbling through prayer. .

Stumbling onto the page, again. . .
She sits and stares at the white-washed screen,
begging for your long-lost words to be seen.


Nothing glares back at her.

Nothing at all.

But her thoughts cannot seem to stall,
with the time it takes in between,
the lengthening scenes.

Days seem like years,
and her heart is battling those very same fears.

Dreams have been dreamed,
and thoughts have been thought.

Her heart's cry this very night, "what can you make of this?
Is there something I could have missed?"

It is a wound that is deep, and a scar companied with years.
It is a battle that has been fought with many, many tears.
It is a girl's heart that has been spent,
with just thoughts, at what this all has meant.

And the days seem like years,
and her heart is battling those very same fears.

You have chosen her to love the children, the people,
everyone beneath Your steeple. . .

Does her heart matter in the grand scheme of things?
Should she be a girl graced with one of those dainty, beautifully picked rings?

A lot of thinking these past few days, without accomplishing much, or so it seems.

I almost gave up to sleep tonight, rather than stopping here to record these inner ramblings of a trembling heart.

I almost gave up to sleep, rather stopping to breathe, to just breathe- to be with my Maker.

Because sleep is just so much easier, than acknowledging the battle that I have fought to rid myself of so long ago, as being a part of who I am, today.

It is a night when I don't know how to pray, but I am begging the Holy Spirit to intercede for me.

I just want to be where You are, in Your presence.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

The light of Heaven shines, where you are...

It's that time of year. The time of year, most greatly welcome with hearts brimming over in undeniable joy. That time of year, where memories are made beneath the lights of a tree, the candlelight beaming throughout a full sanctuary, the arms of a family's love, the distinct blessing that all is well, because God is graciously, abundantly, always enough.

This year, I experienced the altogether blessing of Christmas. The beautiful joy that comes with this season. If you know me, you know that this means a lot coming from me. The past few years, this time of year has held nothing special, if only instead it has been a time where pain seemed all the more glaringly prominent. The hospital became the home away from home, tears would fall without warning over losing or almost losing someone dear in our lives, tension robbed our hearts of normalcy. Brokenness was my family.

This year, God has given me holidays that bring me to joyful tears. It's as though He has been whispering, "I know you couldn't handle anymore holidays with lost hope. I know you needed to be able to look back on these last few moments with your family with utmost fondness. So here you are, darling girl of mine, here's for holding out hope, for clinging to me with clenched fingers. I have heard your cries. Here you are when the days on the field leave you missing home. Remember your father sitting in his chair, alive and well, laughing at Home Alone 2, your mother with tears in her eyes declaring that was the greatest present she has ever been given, your church being lit by candlelight- with your pastor singling you out in a crowd of thousands pledging prayer for your years to come, your family of four whole, mended, but no longer broken. Tears of joy in the eyes of all, not sorrow. These are your's to remember when the days seem to be more than you can bear. I have heard you. I hear you and I see you. I know you. I know that you needed a Christmas where the light of heaven shined upon you. I know that you needed your family together, with a bond strengthened by the years past. I know that you needed silence to be broken, so that is why I graced you with one last gift. Take heart, for I am always with you, here and on the field to come."

All I can say is this is a Christmas to remember. And if you are out there and a hospital has became a home, depression has taking its' toll on you or someone in your family, if all you can feel is loss and pain taking hold of you. I pray that tonight, You will be reminded that it is enough to cling to Him. He is enough. I pray that you would be comforted that You have a Maker who knows where you are, He knows who you are. Heaven's light shines upon you. There is still hope. There is always hope. You are not alone in this.

So dear Maker, take hold of this child whose eyes have fallen upon a rambling of words, take hold of the daughter struggling to see that in light of everything, all that has been lost, that You are enough, take hold of the son who has fallen out of your light and ran from your sight out of fear that he'll never be enough, take hold of your daughters and sons this very night. . .may Your presence become all the more evident upon their hurting hearts, may they see that their very wounds and hurts are not discounted in Your eyes, that everything the hurt, the joy, the pain, the beauty, everything matters to You. They matter to You. This very night hope is found, because Heaven's light shines upon even this, even these hearts.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Within Reach

You are stronger. It’s a truth that with each passing day seems to grow within me.

I’ve known my share of goodbyes and reckoned with the price of heartbreaking pain. I’ve lingered at the thought of letting go and laying down, when life seemed to get the best of me. I’ve ran from you and resisted Your voice within, with all that I am. I’ve fallen prey to the lies that somewhere along the way, You left me, without hope, without reason, without the strength to move on. I’ve given in to the doubts that I am not good enough, and will never be. I’ve clung to people in Your place and…scarcely have I wanted to let go easily.

In the midst of all that I have done and all that I am; Your steadfast love never ceases, Your mercies are new every morning. I’ve failed You. I’ve written you off and chosen to flee when everything seemed to be falling apart, time and again.

But I was never too far out of Your reach…I was always within it.

For all of this, tears of thanksgiving are beginning to fall down my cheeks, because my every cry has been heard. Despite my running and all of my misgivings, I am loved. Despite everything I have done, You love me. You love this daughter whose hope was once lost, whose voice was once unheard, whose reason was once overshadowed. You spoke life into me through Your word, Your time, and Your beautiful people. And every last one, whether in present or past, rest upon my heart to this day. Tonight, it’s a prayer for them. For each and every one. That they might know You and all of Your love. That they might reckon with the doubts, the pain, the past and find they were and always will be within Your loving reach, as You beckon them home.

And I’ll stand with heart abandoned, because all I am, is Your’s. It’s Your’s. Only Your’s.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

endure. . .

I've been seeing the following word quite a bit lately: Endure.

With each sight of this word, my heart draws strength from somewhere deep within. It's a battle. Yes, it's a battle. My Maker never said it would be otherwise. He knew the nights of my tears; He knew the cries of anguish that would burden my heart and try to keep me from moving. All in all, I find this to be greatly comforting. More than anything, really. . .my God knows me. He holds me. He is enough for me.

Sure, there are days when He doesn't seem to be enough. There are days when I doubt that He is even with me. There are days when I am weary of fighting anymore. There are days when all I can do is look about me and declare hopelessness and love as being completely lost upon me.

But in the midst of these days. All of my days: He is faithful. Yes, He is always faithful.

My Mom has a quote on the refrigerator that reads: If you believe your God is enough, then you'll always have enough, because you'll always have God.

At times, I forget this. I say He is enough in my mind, but fail to believe it in my heart. Loneliness creeps in and tempts to overtake my heart and rob me of my faith. Doubts settle and tell me that there is something wrong with who I am, and that is why to this day, at twenty-three I still have yet to experience a date, a boyfriend, a hand holding my own. With the doubts and loneliness come the tears and fears, the blurred vision of seeing my Father reach out His hand to me and beckon me home. It is in these moments, that I lose sight that He is enough. It is in these moments, that I feel completely and utterly alone... Where is my Maker? Why has He left me?

Where is my Maker?

He is right beside me. He has tears in His eyes and He is whispering, "Beloved daughter, I am here, why can't you see me? I am enough for you. Trust me. It is enough. You are enough. So won't you endure. I'll endure it with you."

Maybe you need to hear these words tonight. Maybe you don't, maybe everything is fine, you have hopeful eyes and a joy brimming within your heart. Maybe you need to stow them away to read again, when you are facing the desert. Wherever you are, I pray that you know that You are never too far out of His reach. That you are known and dearly loved.

Dearheart, endure. You are not alone. You will never walk alone. I am enough for you.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

facing rejection

Sometimes there are just days when the battle seems that all is lost, when life seems too much to bear, when all you can do is just cling to the hope that you know is promised. Sometimes the comfort a friend offers, mentioning a common understanding, does nothing to heal the ache in your heart. Because there are times when they don't understand. There are times when they are in a different place than you are. There are times when they have hope, and your's is lacking.

All this to say. Thankfully, we have a Saviour who knows our rejection. A Saviour who hears our cries from Heaven. A Saviour who knows us, who gets us. A Saviour who hasn't left and isn't leaving.

I have been dealt many goodbyes in this life, the life of a vagabond, a traveler. With these goodbyes, some friendships have been lost; some have been left to collect dust with fond memories. Yet in everything, my God has been here, and here He remains.

Sunday morning was a battle just to get to church. It was a day when the Enemy tried everything he could to stop me from making the trek into my Father's house. And lo and behold, the message was practically taken from the book "Captivating." Highlighting the pain and the hurt that comes from being a woman who declares herself unloved and unworthy, left to live this life alone. A woman scarred with rejection.

A message that left me in tears, vulnerable to any onlooker, but the tears wouldn't stop. Throughout the entirety of the message, my heart knew it was written for me. Because I had all but forgotten or truly never seen that my Saviour knows me, knows my very rejection.

There is a price that comes with vision. A price that comes with dreams. Sometimes we aren't one to acknowledge the price. Sometimes we and everyone else will just claim that all is well, and all shall be well. We will overlook the wait, in hopes for a sudden answer, a balm for our hurt. Sometimes we will just disguise ourselves to be okay, "sure I'm fine, I am stronger than that now. I let that go long ago." When truthfully on the inside, we are crying out, because for some reason it's still a struggle to think that we might have to live this life alone, to think that we are still not where we thought we would be.

Our Saviour knows us. He knows our rejection. He knows how to reach us when we were are crying with invisible tears. Whether it is a Sunday message, or an article our hearts stumble upon online, or elsewhere. He knows how to reach our hearts and reminds us that we will never walk alone.

"I thought I was ready, but I wasn't prepared for what He was calling me to yet. I needed to struggle, I needed to doubt. I needed to let go of the controls. If God called me to do this, He would open the doors, not me. And at the same time, somewhat paradoxically, I needed to have unwavering resolve to pursue the vision He put in me. What happens when your dreams don't happen easily, quickly or how you thought they would? How do you deal with the delay? It's in those seasons our foundation is laid. Our response determines everything else.

A lot of people give up. They get distracted. They get packed social schedules. They choose an easier path and eventually the dream that once consumed them fades away. If something comes easily and without sacrifice, it's rarely significant.

God has put dreams in each of us, something we can contribute to the world that no one else can. What your's? And what are you doing today to pursue it?

If your dream is worth doing, it won't be easy. But rather than give up when obstacles arise, push through. Embrace the process. Embrace how you'll change." -Cameron Strang, RELEVANT

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion." Philippians 1:6

You are His, dear heart. "He is the keeper of your heart." He is at work in you. Your heart matters, so much so that when you are hurting. . . He bears the pain of your rejection with you. He knows you. He understands, when no one else will.