Sunday, January 23, 2011

to be known

I went to meet those venturing with me on the Baja trip today for breakfast. I'm not one to enjoy social outings, it's hard for me to put myself out there in groups of people, even those I am closest to. I am often lonelier in groups of people, than when I am by myself, lost in a book surrounded by the comforts of home.

Yet today, was somehow different. It's as though God knew I needed to be reminded that He is taking care of me, even in the moments when I feel the most alone. He knew that this morning, especially, I would need to find joy, find enough hope so I could make it through the day. And He came through for me.

I was able to speak up about how much love I have for a place so foreign to me. I was able to listen of this coming week's plans and dream about that moment when I step out of the van and into home. I was able to forget the pain that has been ravaging my heart for quite some time and remember that in the midst of it all, God is still God. God sees me, He knows me. He is my refuge. When I am weak, thankfully He is strong.

I am returning to the Baja in six days.

Thankfully, there is still hope for me, because I am second. . .


Tonight I will set my heart out to be joyful on the smaller things:

  • Mom's text to me while at work: "OMG I just got a bag full of clothing from Old Navy for 12 dollars!"
  • Mom's spontaneous decision to venture back to Old Navy, just so I could go take a peek at the clearance.

Tonight I am grateful for my sweet, beautiful mother, because I am surely convinced I couldn't live this life without her.

Tonight I am grateful for my family, that never leaves me.

Tonight I am grateful for my family and my God, because life would be unlivable without them.

It's such a beautiful consolation to have a shelter of people around you, when you seem too fragile to walk any further. Thanks be to God, who knows just what I need, before I can begin to acknowledge it myself.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

truth is: i need to be carried.

broken-hearted i come
my cup is empty, my mouth is dry
see how quickly i fall
burdened with darkness
heavy in lies

i want to cry, but i can’t
i try to stand but i fall down again

i need You to carry me
i need You to carry me
i need You to carry me
when i am weak

o this can’t be enough
to just say i’m sorry, to confess my fault
when i’ve hurt You so much
and now i am asking for You to do more

i want to cry, but i can’t
i try to stand but i fall down again

i need You to carry me
i need You to carry me
i need You to carry me
when i am weak

i'm always weak...
when I first met you I drew you in close to me
your weaknesses covered with strength and security
I've never left you, nor will I ever leave
child believe, child believe

but you are strong...
when I first met you I drew you in close to me
your weaknesses covered with strength and security
I've never left you, nor will I ever leave
child believe, child believe

i need You to carry me
i need You to carry me
i need You to carry me
when i am weak

"carry me," jenny and tyler


i just need You to carry me, cause I'm too weak.

it's been a hard, hard week. i don't have the strength to pour out the words, nor the courage to bear my heart, here. i just need You to carry me.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

I am thankful that You love me. I am thankful that You are with me.

I am not alone.

I haven't been left to fend for my own heart, piecing it all back together.

For You are with me.

12 Moses said to the LORD, “You have been telling me, ‘Lead these people,’ but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, ‘I know you by name and you have found favor with me.’

13 If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.”

14 The LORD replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.

15 Then Moses said to him, “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. 16 How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?”

17 And the LORD said to Moses, “I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.”

18 Then Moses said, “Now show me your glory.”

Weary, wounded, the light is gone here, so won't You please, show me Your glory?

I believe. I trust. No longer will I ask for clarity, I will wait for You-when my heart desires to cave in upon itself, when the pain beckons me off in the distance, when it's seems to be too much of a battle. . .

"He says simply, “I know, my son, I know.”

And that is an incredibly tender thing to say as someone’s expectations crumble.

And I think it’s something God still says to us, even today.

“I know, my son, I know. I know, my daughter, I know. That thing you wanted is not going to happen. Not the way you’ve always dreamed. I know this hurts. I know this stings. I know you feel like I am distant or not aware of where you are and who hurt you and what you think life was supposed to be like. I know in moments like this you doubt that I can count the hairs on your head or have your best in mind. But please, I am not done. I have barely started to reveal your life to you. I am the God who satisfies your desires with good things. That is me! And when it comes to your hopes and your fears and your dreams, I know, my son, I know.”

I think of this moment as the “soft x.”

I think of the tenderness of Israel with his arms outstretched and crossed. I think of our desires and our dreams and the times they don’t work. And above all, I think of a God who wants to tell you he hears you, he loves, he knows you. He is not disconnected or disinterested in who you are and who you want to be. Today, he says,

“I know, my son, I know.”

"The soft X."

I will remember that apart from You, I am nothing. My very soul clings to You.

Because You know the hurt, the fight. . . You know me, and right where I am.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Sitting alongside family,
tears became all she could see. . .

She could barely keep breathing,
keep her family from seeing.

The tears fell down her cheeks, unrelenting.
She spoke in gasps, quieter than a whisper.
The reason was unknown to those beside her-
even her.

Clenching a Bible, tightly with her shaking hands,
rushing in prayer to not leave anyone unmentioned,
to Your throne, she ran.

The tears kept falling, the fears kept holding.
and still, she was unknowing.

What could cause such an undeniable torrent of tears?
What could leave this traveled girl clinging to You,
barely staying above the current of her fears?
What could leave her heart so stricken, at a loss at what to do?
Powerless, broken, fainthearted, a heap of tears,
somehow with all her might, still clinging to YOU.

thankfully, a dear friend kept praying for the wounded girl, when no more words were exchanged,
thankfully, she knew grace her with company and lyrics from afar.
thankfully, she was met with family, taken in their open arms.
thankfully, they held her tightly, praying and keeping her heart from more harm.
thankfully, that in the midst of one of her darkest days,
her family, her remedy, knew just what to do, and just what to say. . .


"And your eyes must do some raining if you're ever gonna grow,
but when crying don't help,
you can't compose yourself,
it's best to compose a poem.
An honest verse of longing, or a simple song of hope.
That's why I'm singing, 'Baby, don't worry- cause now I've got your back.'
And every time you feel like crying, I'll try and make you laugh.
And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad, then we'll wait for it to pass.
And I will keep you company for those days so long and black.
And we'll keep working on the problem
that we know we'll never solve-
of Love's uneven remainders,
our lives are fractions of a whole.
But if the world could remain within a frame
like a painting on a a wall,
I think we'd see the beauty there,
we'd stand staring awe
at our still lives posed
like a bowl of oranges.
Like a story told, by the fault lines and the soil."

~Bowl of Oranges, by Bright Eyes