Friday, November 26, 2010

A Maker's Love

I stumbled upon this beautiful post written by Jamie, TWLOHA, yesterday and I felt compelled to share it. It's so fitting for where I am and where I have been and I can't help but think that maybe, you need to read these words too. So here you are:

"I wonder if it's possible to get to a place of being thankful for your story, for the dreams that feel fractured, for things we loved but lost. I wonder if it's possible to get to a place of believing that we are shaped by all of it, that we are stronger and wiser for what we've walked through. What if the things that ended - the things that broke and break your heart - what if it was the end of a chapter but the story keeps going? What if life comes back? What if love comes back? What if you would not be who you are and you would not know what you know if not for all those sleepless nights?

I'm starting to believe those things, that the best is yet to be, that life comes back, that the dreams that live inside me are there for a reason, that life is not just a tragedy, not just a story about losing. It is also a story of surprises and grace and hope coming back, of conversations and moments that feel like miracles.

I share this quote every night on stage but it's taken on a new meaning lately. I've been reflecting on it off stage, sharing it with friends and believing it more than ever.

"I suppose that since most of our hurt happens in relationships, so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense to those looking in from the outside."

- The Shack by Paul Young

I should probably be falling asleep before the work morning comes all too soon, but I have words on my heart that are begging to be written and be acknowledged. This Thanksgiving was the first Holiday without tears in four long heart-wrenching years. The first Holiday where I could relish in the quaint simplicity my sweet family offers, spent in laughter and joy, rather than worry and pain. I struggle with Holidays and have since my Grandfather left us a week after Christmas when I was a junior in high school.

They have always had loss attached to them since then. . . A story that will be left unspoken, until another time. Yet, this Thanksgiving it was almost as though God was wanting me to see what the Holidays could be, the joy that most every one associates with just mere talk of the time of year. . . And since this will probably be my last Thanksgiving with my family before I am off to pursue this life He has set me apart for . . . He created memories that I could look back upon fondly, memories that would spur me to keep moving in the days of coming loneliness as I embark on my journey.

I have a thankful heart.

A heart that has been told of the secret of love. A heart that has been told that on the days of sorrow and pure joy my Maker is always enough. A heart that has been revived and reminded that there is hope, ever still. A heart that is akin to loss, love, pain and joy. A heart that can reckon that each and every moment of my life was orchestrated and apart of His good and perfect plan.

I have a thankful heart today. Sure, there were days when I felt that You surely had left me, but now I see You were just as present then, as You are now. Thank You, for tearing down the walls of my heart. Thank You, for Your beautiful people who have poured themselves into my life. Thank You, for my dear family. Thank You, that there is still four of us. Thank You, for pain. Thank You, for LOVE.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

These past few days have been an absolute whirlwind of emotions:

Awakened to a sudden sadness that stole my very breath.

Encouraged by the hope that You're all I ever needed.

Abandoned and left to memories of what once was.

Wounded with an oppressing ache of loneliness.

Sheltered in the arms of my Maker, who never leaves, and always loves.

Overjoyed at where You are taking me.

Tuesday, I fell asleep soundly. Wednesday, I awakened to an undeniable sense of grief, emptiness, loss. A pain so harsh that my knees felt weak and too feeble to step out from the covers, be awakened from sleep. My heart felt paralyzed, abandoned, empty. . . I couldn't put words to my sadness, the ache that closed in around me. I still can't. A part of me still, and will always be with you. It's a journey from here, and on into freedom. He is my Shelter, my refuge, my very strength. He is my reason on the days of all-encompassing sorrow, and brimming joy. He is enough for the heartache, the wounds, the emptiness. He is more than enough for all of me.

The enemy tells me that I'm not enough, that the fleeting feeling is all I will ever experience. That I'll never have a hand to hold. That I should just lay down on the coming Wednesdays of my life and just not move any further. Because I will always be left to fight alone. And what are these? LIES.

My Maker has tears in His eyes when the lies take hold. He whispers ever so gently, "Little Girl, I am not, I won't let go. When the shards of brokenness leave you empty, when the ache of your heart takes away your breath, when the thoughts of what could have been are all that you have left. . . take heart, and don't fall prey to his lies, that all that awaits you is demise. You are my beloved. You are beautiful. You are known. You are not your own. There is shelter, there is rest, there is refuge.. here in My arms of love."

Thursday, November 4, 2010

"For Christ plays in ten thousand places,
Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his
To the Father through the features of men's faces."
Gerard Manley Hopkins

I am sitting here quite in awe of my Maker. Captivated by all He is and what He has done.
He's taken a girl, once wary and uncertain of speaking out, consumed with doubt. . .
that He would use me. That He would love me. That I could move for Him. That I could give up love for Him. That my calling was too big for my heart to bear.

And what has He done? But lead me into His Word, His arms of love. Where peace was found. Where waiting became welcomed, instead of unwanted. Where faithfulness is evident. "I am restless, until I rest in You."

She was lost in Your words. . .
and then Your tears were heard-
falling from the clouded sky.
You were acknowledging her wound,
because it didn't pass You by.

The teardrops on her window,
was Your delicate way of saying You know-
of the moments,
her heart has been spent.
of the dire need,
for affirmation, mere acknowledgement.
of the fragile state...
the wait.

But You are God of the broken people,
wounded, once off Your easel.
You are a mender of hearts and their million pieces;
You are God, and Your love never ceases.

You know the ache of being unloved,
and You had the strength to look up.
You know loss,
and its' cost.

And to think that You know and love all of me, that You see. . .
that I am not alone, never will be,
is something altogether beautiful and beyond me.

I found out today, that I have been accepted into an internship with NOE International starting in March. I will be teaching English, loving His children. I will finally be home in my beloved country, Mexico. It's been a long time coming. He is faithful. His timing is perfect. And suddenly, I am little girl giddy with ideas of newsletters, support raising, brimming with tears of joy and hope.

My God is taking me home.