Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Where thou art, that is home.

So I am sitting here, in one of those moments, when my heart and my head have caught up to each other in the art of retrospection. One of those moments, when my heart and my head realize the day is within reach, where I will move on. . . and into my story, that was long ago written.

It's a place where peace collides with nervous energy, where passion and dreams meet reality, where amazement gathers alongside the knowledge of where I am going, and where I once was.


fraj-uhl; Brit. fraj-ahyl]
easily broken, shattered, or damaged; delicate; brittle; frail:a fragile ceramic container; a very fragile alliance.
vulnerably delicate, as in appearance: She has a fragile beauty.
lacking in substance or force; flimsy: a fragile excuse.

Fragile. I have experienced this word first-hand. I have seen it in the eyes of my beautiful family, time and again. The fleeting moments of wondering when we'll have our hearts put together again. I know that my God has used this time at home to bring us closer, tend to each of our hearts-while gently reminding us of the importance of family. It's beautiful to have friendships, and I am not out to claim that they don't hold any meaning. Yet, God has taught me to open my eyes to home, instead of always running to and fro, to be constantly in the state of doing something.

The sweetest moments, in these, two years, have been sitting around the table, venturing to a much deserved Sonic or Starbuck's, the sweetest moments have been the state of just being, being with my family.

I encourage you to take a moment, look around at your home-it your's. God chose it for you. He chose the people for you. He knew what you would need, He knew who you would need.

Please don't ever discount it.

I have lost and almost lost family, suddenly. Life is fragile, as is your family. Tell them you love them. You need them.. Friendships may fade, but you will always have your family, you will always have home.

"But I wanted to say something about pain. Because even though I had absolutely no use for it at the time. . . pain turned out to be instructive later in a way that would change the lives of everyone. Not everyone-everyone, of course, but my everyone, the people I've been given...,
the ones who are mine to love.

Yes, pain is abominable, a nightmare, but pain reveals, when we've had to throw all else overboard, what is left in our personal sinking boat." Marisa de los Santos

All of our hearts have known pain, a pain-leaving you gasping for breath, a pain-learned slowly, accumulating over time.

The semblance of pain is real. It's in the invisible tracks of tears falling at random, the melancholic weariness found resting. . .just beneath the eyes. We've all known it. Haven't we?

Those moments when we are struck with doubt and fear, that we can't move any further. That surely, our Lord has walked on, only to leave us behind-to gather our pieces, fight the battle alone.

But you see, God is in those moments, when the pain is too real. Those moments when you have lost love, been awakened to the reality-that you finally had to let go, give it up. Those moments when a parent that has carried you, can't seem to carry themselves anymore. Those moments when everything you had planned, seemed altogether right, but just wasn't. I could go on and on. . .

Your wounds. Your pain. It all matters to Him. In light of it all, He is making all things, even broken things, new. He is making you new.

And maybe, that one you had to let go of, maybe you'll see the good in it, instead of the pain-someday soon. I pray you do. I believe it is a journey towards healing, but one day, I know that you will see why you couldn't hold him/her any longer.

Perhaps, your story might mirror mine, love lost-only to find a best friend in your mother. Love lost, only to fully see, that God truly, is enough. My heart doesn't feel it all the time, but it's so much easier to say it, now that I am putting my Maker in His rightful place.

The wound is still there, in that regard. In a way, I think that will be the case for our heartache, our pain-we'll always have a reminder, a scar-to tell us to look upward, to keep clinging to hope.

Won't you take a moment and rest in the hope that is rightfully your's? A moment to love your family, with all that you are. A moment to see that in light of it all, your wounds, your pain, you matter to Him.

The Author of your story is just waiting for your heart to see- He is enough- for the moments stricken with utter sadness and loss, the moments brimming with peace and joy.

He is enough for you, and all of your pain.

There's healing, I pray that you will begin to feel it,


Friday, March 4, 2011

In light of it all, I belong.

Part One:

So I have reached the goodbye state again, it's a state that I have known all too well in my life. And as always, it gives brings a new perspective to light- about what I am leaving behind and what I am venturing toward.

Today was my last day at the Goodwill...and yes, I have said that over and over, so many times that I can't even count the times that I have quit, only to come back. In fact, this time I just said: "I am not saying I won't be back, just in case."

Although, I have to tell you that today will be stowed away as one of my most beautiful memories, whether it is the last time I will grace the Goodwill as home again, or become an outsider, merely a visiter.

I was graced with a beautiful last day at my beloved Goodwill: cards, hugs, a chocolate cake, sweet company, love and much laughter.

God opened my eyes to see that He has used me. I have been broached with many questioning eyes, as to why I have returned in the past. People that just assume since you graduate, surely you will move on from the life of retail. I'll admit with those questions, my heart has been taken a back, every single time. I have felt not good enough. I have felt weak and helpless.

Yet, all of those saddening thoughts were gently replenished, with all things good. Today, God picked me up from those falls, He graced those wounds with His healing presence. He brought to light that I was doing something good, I was doing something for Him. The smallest of things were noticed, and I received an abundant amount of love to send me off.

I was able to eat cake and reminisce. I was able to trade Bible stories for Eminem lyrics. I was able to enjoy the people, that I was given to love. I was able to be love and feel loved. I was reminded that I will always have a home. I was given the chance to see that there was a purpose in this time of waiting, spent hanging clothes, calling the Goodwill home.

So with this, I remind you, that wherever you are, God is using you. You might not see it until you leave, but just trust it. Believe it. Otherwise it's easy to choose misery, to claim you aren't good enough, because you haven't made it in their judging eyes. With this being said, it's my prayer, that you will experience this kind of love often, because it, in itself, is truly healing.

Part Two:

I am beginning to see the crossroads, that awaits me. With the help of my friends, I was able to rid myself of the "accumulating addiction of things." Useless things. I garnered the courage to truly begin to hold all things loosely, in light of the kingdom.

Empty hangers, a floor completely covered in clothing, bags, hats, shoes and jewelry. I was able to release them. My heart has finally come to the realization that they don't have a hold on me anymore. My heart has finally realized that with God I am brave enough to release-not just tangible things, but people. Because it's all out of my hands.

I haven't reached the destination, I won't until I am sitting side by side with my Beautiful Maker, but I can truly sing with all of my heart- "take my heart, take all that I am." Whatever He needs me to rid myself of, I am full of readiness to give it all, to go.

"I mean, yeah, it's big. It's colossal. But I get it. I belong right where I am. That's an amazing feeling."

I smiled. "But you always seem that way. You always have. Like wherever you are, you're at home."