At rest...

"Matter and thought are a canvas on which God paints, a painting with tragedy and delivery, with sin and redemption. Life is a dance toward God, I begin to think. And the dance is not so graceful as we might want. While we glide and swing our practiced sway, God crowds our feet, bumps our toes, scuffs our shoes. So we learn to dance with the One who made us. And it is a difficult dance to learn, because its steps are so foreign…”


Twenty-one days were spent with challenges, stumbling with regaining a language of which, once my studies were completely devoted. Twenty-one days were spent feeling every emotion feasible for one to feel. Tears were shed, thoughts were shared, hope was seen, love was evident, beauty was found in the realization that perfection will never be reached, yet it still is altogether worth the mere attempts at speaking a language so foreign and at times seems too far to grasp. Here I am, having returned and found that peace was lacking in the plans I had so delicately made. Mirroring the times before in which everything was placed and fixed in my eyes only to then see it all fall apart, falling together into something beautiful penned by a Father out of His unfailing love. And I am shaken and left awestruck because it is all unknown to me, but I am certain God is at work and He is here and of this, He has given me the eyes to see.

It will all come in His timing, and for this time-being I will wait. Cause four years before I had everything fitting together perfectly, certain that God wouldn’t separate me from me from my best friend, and a week before left to find out that it wasn’t my time--that He had something altogether differently in mind- a liberal arts Catholic college for two years, seven hundred people all unknown to me, and then traveling eight hours away for the remainder of college with knowing no one as well. Four years before that, heart full of intentions to attempt public school alongside a dear friend, only to find that a small private high school was where God would take me that very same week. All this rambling may be seen to accomplish nothing in the eyes of a reader, perhaps will only be understandable in my own eyes. Yet, as I set out to write these words I think I was searching for comfort--it was almost as if I was glancing about me to see that it was to all be alright, that everything would be okay. God has helped me find that this week and even in this moment; I know it is going to be alright. I know that He has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future. I know that my time will come. “The wheels just keep on turning, the drummer begins to drum, I don’t know which way I am going, I don’t know which way I have come… hold my hand inside your hands, I need someone who understands…I need someone, someone who hears, for you I have waited all these years..” That is what my heart feels when I think about my Maker, My Beautiful Savior. He knows where I am going, and He sees where I have come from---He understands and yes, my Father, He hears.

So my future rests in uncertainty, all the while I am resting in His plan which for the moment is out of my reach and out of my sight. Yet, I will keep resting here in this waiting state…for my time will come when my dream will be within my grasp, when I will be able to settle among the dear, precious children--without having to look to the past, when speaking in a foreign language will come with a little less struggle, when I will finally reside where my heart has been for years...

Leave..

"Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons....I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently..."

"It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out. I want to repeat one word for you:

Leave

Roll the word around your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the you have always wanted to be. Any you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed..."

Donald Miller, an excerpt from Through Painted Deserts.

I find this to be quite the definition of my life, both in present and past. Leaving. It is something quite familiar, and God indeed always graces me with the strength, because no matter where I am leaving, no matter where I am going, He is ALREADY THERE.

I rest in this assurance as I venture onto this next journey, to my well-loved country. I know God will be going with me and that He will meet me when I first step onto the dirt-paved road as He has done since my first trip years ago. The first journey that awakened my soul to His desire, His passion, the journey that began the breaking of my heart for what breaks His very own heart....

So may all of you, dearest to my heart, venture to leave at some point in time, with an unwavering faith that God who has promised is faithful. Bask in the beauty that is found in the eyes of a traveler, whether you leave to journey across the street, or overseas. Leave. God will meet you more than half-way. Of this I am most certain...

These pictures will be carried with me, alongside the dear memories that were made. It is not about the number of stars upon the ceiling,

instead it is about the attention paid to these dear, precious children.

They just long to be loved and chased in games of freeze tag.

So I haven't returned to this for a few days, in the attempts of resting, spending as much time with my family as possible, and ultimately saying goodbye and hello silmultaneously. It was hard saying goodbye to Mary Beth and Lou, the whole office staff and Suburban Bible Church, harder than I realized. It is amazing the bond that forms in such a short amount of time. Now all I have, are my memories of that beautiful time. I got home Friday evening and the Caruthersville gang showed up not too many hours later. We took them on a tour of the house and visited for awhile. Then the next morning we ventured out to the Goodwill, Tonya's favorite store, where I saw Derrick and we chatted about my possibility of coming back...It was so nice having them here. We all watched New in Town, and spent Sunday morning outside enjoying each others' company. I unpacked to pack again. Oh what a summer :]. Always on the go.

This week is passing so very quickly; I had a feeling that it would...Here it is, already Tuesday. Wow. Mom and I enjoyed catching up on So You Think You Can Dance these past two nights. It has been so nice to be back and just take all of these things in, no matter how minor they seem to everyone else. I delight in the small things, cause they are more than enough for me. Hmm.


It is so good to be home. Almost like a breath of fresh air. God is good to me. I just don't have the words to depict His beauty.


"No we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."


I am resting in the fact that God is already in Mexico, that He is waiting for me with open arms. That is what is going to keep me going; I am resting in His confidence. Knowing full well that in my weakness His grace is made perfect. That He will give me the words in the native tongue, I long to become my very own....

My time is already up?

raining sheets here, it is them that are,melting and washing away my every fear

ah the rambling it never ceases...

i have read seven books since coming here.
and....
the other day i had a dream in spanish.
just a couple things to be mentioned somewhere along the way perhaps.

it's june 24th. i have one full day left here.
i can't rightly believe it is time to leave. my mind cannot grasp the fact that it has been a month. lou took me out to lunch today. faith hung out with me this afternoon following me around the office. when vbs was over she came up to me and said today is your last official day right?and then she got all excited when i told her i would see her tomorrow. it has been such a blessing working with dakota, covenant, faith, kelly, and amanda...mary beth and i took it pretty slow tonight, which was nice considering I didn't leave the church aside from my lunch outing.

Today, was such a beautiful day. I don't have the words to express what I am feeling. The office staff gathered for a chicago style pizza lunch since it was my last full day. We joked around, laughed, reminisced about what has been accomplished. It was wonderful, they gave me such a beautiful card, a mug, a scarf and a gift card to my favorite store; though their very love has been more than enough and blessed me more than they will ever know. Dakota and Luke came down the hall to visit me soon after while their mother was talking to Lou. Luke is so adorable, a little old man, his vocabulary is huge for his age and he is just a delight. One of the first things he said was, "I heard she was leaving." It was such a sweet visit with him and his sister. Dakota asked me some questions about where I am headed next and then they ventured off. I did a few other little things here and there and once again stayed until VBS started.

I helped out with the preschool registration, and in the classroom. Then Mary Beth and I went to the gathering service for the play and singing, and after the play was up I went over to the girls I have been working with, I happened to walk over just as Steve started to pray and Faith wrapped her arms around me. We took some pictures, and they kept saying how sad it was to see me leave. Daily emails were promised on their end and then we went up to grab Faith a copy of my email from the office, when her flip flop ended breaking. So we traded; I taped up her bright lime green flip flops and sported the duct tape look. Then they were off, and I went back to the preschool, where we had story time and sang. Then, I finally let myself go with the abandon that Lou has been previously mentioning to those in the office--the side of me that most of the time is replaced with a quiet sense of reserve. I let the boys chase me and we played a good game of freeze tag, though mostly they were just out to get me. I didn't stay frozen long enough to tag any of them. It was fantastic. Haha. Hmm. Then Luke's parents came in and we talked a bit about of what is ahead for me, said our goodbyes. I gave Faith a hug and promised to visit her, and she said, "I hope so, because your such a nice girl and I will miss you..."I went up to the office to retrieve my belongings, walked out to the parking lot and saw Dakota and Faith outside talking and walked over to them again and said goodbye. If you are a fan of Dawson's Creek I felt like Jen, before she gets in the Taxi to say goodbye to Capeside after they finish shooting Dawson's movie. Audrey says, "They are never going to leave are they?"Joey and the rest of the gang just keep saying Goodbye, we love you.... That was the moment, except there was a promise of girls' night out upon my next visit among the goodbyes and love you.
Those girls will forever be dear to my heart...

As well as the Lanes, whom I just bid farewell to. The hospitality they have shown me is absolutely amazing. I leave with a grateful heart with prayers on the tip of my tongue for these dear people, knowing that visits will need to become reality at some point in my future because the impact has been more than I would have ever deemed possible....It has been such a wonderful time here. My heart cannot fully explain how much of a blessing it has been working with Suburban Bible Church during this month. These dear people will never realize how much they have blessed me. I am left awestruck because once again, God has given me eyes to see that there was a reason for me being here. Eyes to see that it was worthwhile and that the people I have met are just another depiction of the God of Wonders, the beauty that is found when surrendering to a call even if you are fighting fears. There is beauty and freedom in surrender, and nothing will stop me, this undeserving daughter, from singing. Oh how He loves us...

Bidding you goodnight and farewell from this residence in Valparaiso and Highland, Indiana. The next time you will hear from me will be from home sweet home for the little less than I week that I am there. Then a slight hiatus for twenty-one days while residing alongside my heart in Mexico....

A Wedding Spurs My Thoughts to Spin with the Music at hand...

Days 20-22



Hmm. I went to a wedding on Saturday and it was absolutely beautiful, such a true depiction of a divine romance. With each wedding that I take in, my eyes happen to glance at something that is beautiful, and true, and right. Something that spurs the longing within me to rise again, tempts me to lose myself with the once dulling desire and the once fading ache. I find myself wondering if it is alright for my little girl dream to appear from the dust. Something so poignant and touching to my eyes. I just find myself wondering if something so beautiful will ever be called mine. I long for God's desires to become my own, I want that more than anything else. I will not settle; I cannot let go of my passions. This is all for Him and I know that He will grace me with contentment and peace if I am to walk with Him, alone. I know that He is enough, and all I need.

Crazy, that my thoughts can run with the sight of such an event. However all in all, Kady's wedding, was absolutely beautiful. And if I were to be true with myself, I would hope that if a wedding is something God desires for me that mine might look as beautiful.

"Til Kindgom Come" by Coldplay is something so beautiful and indeed wedding-worthy. The lyrics are so true of the waiting that accompanies us all....

The book I have been reading mentioned something along the lines of my thoughts of longing and I might as well mention it:

"This is the real danger zone, because it seems that there is no other choice to put away this part of your heart. But to send your heart into exile because your longings have no hope of being met is to exile your heart from the love of God. And He would have your whole heart. It's hard to tell whether God is arousing some desire so that you may seek a new life or simply so that this part of your heart may be made whole in Him. But whatever else may be the case, you have to begin by giving this part of your heart back to God. Above all else, your heart must find a safe home in him."

As I wait, the beauty in this divine romance that is at the tips of my fingers is more than enough. Oh, the beauty of My Maker, astounds and leaves me awestruck.

Days 16-19

Day 16-19. Ha.

Oh man, I am so behind. Yet I haven't had a spare minute to begin to describe my most stressful and challenging week since I have been here. It isn't so much that much more was required of me than the rest; perhaps this is just what happens before a team of anyone can attempt to have a huge event. VBS is stretching us. It seems that some are losing sight of the reason behind it all, and I have found that to become very frustrating. These children have no expectations of how many stars are on the ceiling, no expectations of cardstock bookmarks... I understand that these adults want so badly to keep being driven, to reach perfection in their eyes, to keep doing and doing. Maybe they don't even see the harm in the constant doing and pushing for more and more, maybe I have the eyes to see it because of so many previous VBS' in the past in Mexico, with the children who uttered shouts of glee at the sight of a room decorated by a pair of people, who were in awe of fake snow. I know it is different in the states, I do realize that. Yet I think the eyes of most children are the same, that they all want to be loved, to feel the affection, to know that up in Heaven God has His arms open wide....

It has been difficult this week, to say the least. But above all, God has brought me through it. He hasn't left me.

I have decided that I will probably be leaving here a week from today, just so I can have a little bit of time with the family, a little bit of time to unwind and unpack, only to pack again and be off to Mexico on July 4th.

More is probably to come on this, but right now I just don't have the brain power. I have been going and going nonstop today, and I just need to allot myself a mental break here in Starbucks'.

Day 15-- A Welcome Outing in the Mix
So, as mentioned before, today was a day where rest was welcomed and enjoyed. A day without a schedule, a day that could flow with my own liking. Prime reason for venturing out of the house was to find something to wear to the wedding. I brought along an option or two, but to me, it is so very hard to know what to wear to a wedding.So I went out looking first at Kohl's, and then TJ Maxx. I did find an amazing skirt at TJ Maxx, but resisted the temptation because of the 25 dollar price tag. Amazing, yes, but convincing myselfto spend that much on a skirt--didn't happen. After that, I ventured to Panera for lunch and to enjoy a bit of a connection to the Internet for a bit. I then, went to Family Christian and was able to get two booksto keep me company--since I am reading like crazy. I went over to Old Navy, and found nothing wedding-worthy there either. I then ventured across the road for Starbuck's, it was a "You Deserve It Day,"a day that unless you are Kristi or Ashley Collins, probably wouldn't make much sense, but oh well. Finally, I went to Target thinking maybe I would find something on clearance, yet instead I walked around the store with "Slumdog Millionaire" and "He's Just Not That Into You...." And with my Mom's encouragement I ended up buying both. They were sale items, and the nights here are a bit [hmmm I can'tfind the word to use] it isn't that they are boring, cause I find contentment in the smallest of things, oh well place what word you prefer in that sentence...Perhaps, re-wording it to be that the items of entertainment I have brought are dwindling would be easier to understand than the former...

*The book I have mentioned quite a bit in this blog, illuminated yet again, another amazing point. I feel as if I must share it: The piece centered around our interactions with people, and posedthe challenge of reflecting Jesus' encounters with people. What drew me about this--was the author's depictions of how when we often try to help people we lose ourselves:

"We tend to jump in, as opposed to walking with God. Either we give too much or give too little, or we offer what is needed at the wrong time....What would happen if we began to ask Jesuswhat HE is saying when it comes to the people in our life?"
Eldrege mentioned that when He asks for guidance what he often hears is: "Give them to me."

"I know I am not alone in this bent to carry people. I'll worry about them in the night. I'll get paranoid with what someone thinks of me. I'll find myself having conversations with them when they aren't here. I'll feel as though I am not offering enough...."

Ultimatlely, it comes down to the fact that we never stop to ask God about it.
"AND I FIND WHEN I GIVE PEOPLE TO GOD, IT OPENS UP AN AMAZING AMOUNT OF SPACE IN MY LIFE. FOR HIM."

The bent he mentions is something that is so close to my heart. I often convince myself that I am the one to carry the burden of those hurting. Yes, of course, God wants me to love those and oftenlift them up; though He has never asked me to carry it all. I get lost in this battle quite frequently and this challenge is something that I am going to take to heart, because the hurting children are His and I shouldn't try and take the claim for them, I am going to give them to Him, love them with all I am, but not become convinced that it is all on me. He has taken care of it, He sees the bigger picture--that to my eyes, is missing.

It is a few hours later than once I started and I am in the middle of doing laundry. And I'd love some chocolate right about now. We just had dinner, but chocolate sounds pretty fantastic.Although, my stash of granola is no more. Nothing for this, "I have the munchies" moment [referencing a line from How to Deal] :]. Hehe. Wow, I am so random. Well, farewell for the evening. Perhaps, I willrummage through the pantry and see what the Lanes are hiding ;].