Some say, "Time is an illusion." The decision is made to: Eat Pray Love.

Yesterday, needs to be remembered. So tonight's entry will give it an honorable mention, because my heart believes it is deserving of such. It all began with a sudden ache, a sudden sense of the overwhelming, a heaviness that kept the tears at bay most of the morning...when I finally got inside my car, I couldn't avoid them any longer. It's hard to identify the cause of the tears; it was all so sudden...a heaviness overcame my wearied heart and the tears began to fall. So rather than reach to my phone on impulse and look to His people for comfort and prayer...I took it to my Maker. I stumbled and rambled at the feet of my Father on my commute home. I looked to Him with my tearful eyes, and told Him of everything amidst wearied sighs.

As I was pouring out my heart, the song from my new CD, seemed undeniably fitting:

6th and green is a warm place in November
When the air is cold and the leaves blow on the ground
And I don't think that I can even remember
Why it was that i came to this town

Because I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moonlight

This is me on the eve of an ending
To what I've known's been constant for a year
And I'm so scared of this pain that I'll be sending
Sometimes I just want to run away in fear

Because I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moonlight

No, I haven't heard your voice in two weeks now
And anticipation's been wearing me thin
And I just can't help but wonderin' baby if somehow
We could tear these pages out and begin again

Because I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moonlight
I just want to be lonely tonight
With no one around to see the sight
Of me lying here

'Cause this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
I said this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
And I don't want to be lonely
But I won't be lonely tonight
Because my maker's holding me

Fast forward a few hours with me, and I was off to meet dear friends for dinner and a movie. Blessed by conversation and just the reminder of friendship caught me off guard and did my heart good.

Eat Pray Love was seen with the girls. Oh, how I loved it. It was beautifully endearing with a woman's desperate search to lose herself in the unfamiliar and undiscovered cultures, a woman's desperate search to rid herself of the desire to love, because of past heartache and the scars they left upon her. Only to find it, and then fight it by running from it. Yet, she stopped running and she ended up in the arms of love.

Quote of the movie: "You have the capacity to love the whole world."

Following the movie, I treated myself to Starbucks and ventured home, and I was blessed with very dear company from afar. All of which, has been stored in my memories. Under lock and key. "Every song you love, every memory you cherish, every moment that has moved you to holy tears has been given to you from the One who has been pursuing you from your first breath in order to win your hearts." Gratitude rests upon my heart when I see that this is all from God, Himself. He loves me this much. To reach out to me on the days when I am heavy hearted...to place people in my life at the precise moment, they are needed. God, Your love, it is beautiful...

I don't feel deserving of this, but I guess that brings me back to see that is the beauty in it. That though I am undeserving, God delights in me, God loves me. For so long I held onto, I clung to "you will never be loved, you are unlovable, you are meant to just be the best friend." And now it seems God is awakening me to see that those were all lies; I once embraced them, instead of Him. I convinced myself that misery was acceptable, and all there was. That isn't the life God had or has for me. He has longed for me to "choose life." Life, not misery. He has longed for me to see that His love is enough...He has longed for me to see that I am worthy of being loved.

"You were wearied by all your ways,

but you would not say, 'It is hopeless.'

You found the renewal of your strength,

and so you did not faint." Isaiah 57:10

So I sit here. I am taking it all in. There is so much to learn. There is so much to love. I am speechless. I am awestruck. The tears are beginning to return. Only this time, there isn't a heaviness. It's almost, like a release. God has proven faithful. The girl that walked out of church and stepped into her car feeling so alone, now sits here reminiscing of her recent company feeling as though she matters, feeling loved...

And so the list goes on...

61. I used to play school with a bunch of stuffed animals, and at times make my poor little brother play along.

62. I want to return to Buenos Aires, Argentina and see all the beautiful sights and eat at the restaurant that is open twenty-four hours on the main strip and have a lomito. Maybe more than one, because they were just that good.

63. I want to love to the tips of my fingers, until there is nothing left of me.

64. One of my most treasured possessions is the journal all of my dear Conway friends wrote letters in for my graduation present.

65. 1992 party was pretty much the greatest party I have ever had. Thank you, Miss Kristi Lee and friends.

66. I absolutely love quotes. In them, I find inspiration.

67. I am a weeper, in the truest sense of the word.

68. The more dear the memory, the more I can vividly recall.

69. I hope that I'll leave a legacy someday.

70. I don't really care for pet names. The few exceptions are: doll and love.

71. I like the following movies: Never Been Kissed, He's Just Not That Into You, Clueless, How to Deal, and so on. Feel free to judge.

72. I love the show So You Think You Can Dance.

73. My Mom and I followed almost every season of American Idol. Sad, I know.

74. I love pictures and taking pictures. Though, I am not an aspired photographer like most of my friends.

75. There have been two points in my life when I have considered stopping writing altogether. Both because of some harsh critics.

76. Justin Long is comparable to the likes of Zac Efron, in my opinion. Haha.

77. I would prefer a bouquet of Manzanitas, over a bouquet of flowers any day.

78. I have never been on a date, never had a boyfriend, and never been kissed.

79. I tend to attract creeps and boy, do I have the stories to tell from such encounters.

80. I am blessed to have friends from all over the world- so very blessed.

81. I would love to see Coldplay in concert.

82. I am quite fond of reggaeton, and I am not ashamed to admit it.

83. It's extremely difficult to know some one dear to me is hurting, and there is so little I can do about it from faraway.

More to come at a later time =].

Lost Art of Accepting Who I Am- Part Two

31. Goodbye is one of the hardest words, I've ever had to say. Sadly, it has been frequently used in my vocabulary.

32. I am not a fan of cliches. I try to avoid them, at all possible costs.

33. It's really hard for me to go a day without earrings.

34. I get really loud, when I am completely comfortable and I don't have care in the world, when I'm free.

35. I love to have dance parties in parking lots with my closest friends.

36. I have always wanted to be a part of an all boy band, Paramore, for instance =].

37. My Mom is one of my best friends. This summer has made us closer than ever.

38. I am blessed to have friends that are emotional and those that struggle with showing emotions. It keeps me balanced, I believe.

39. I don't care for eating meat, but tacos de carne asada, are something that I cannot resist.

40. I would do anything for my friends and family, and I pray that they know this.

41. I worked at the Goodwill for almost five years and with this job, I became extremely close to my fellow employees and customers. Some people find it funny, but they really are a part of me.

42. It's easier for me to get along with guys.

43. I traveled to New Orleans, a year after Hurricane Katrina, and I can still smell the air, as if I was there, right now.

44. I have been to four countries and hope to travel to many more: Uruguay, Chile, Argentina and Mexico, of course.

45. I love to read. Rob Bell, Donald Miller and John Eldredge are three of my favorite authors.

46. I love the movie Moonstruck, it's a 1987 film classic starring Nicholas Cage and CHER =]. I really cannot remember how old I was when I first watched this movie with my Mom, it's been our go-to movie ever since.

47. I graduated in a class of six [counting myself], one poor boy. My high school had thirty in all. Some of my greatest memories for sure, we were all like a dysfunctional family...with our random trips for donuts with our principal, and our class trip to Washington D.C. Oh, great times.

48. I was reprimanded for wearing too many bracelets in high school. One per hand was permitted. I had on 24. I know a tad, over the top.

49. Since spending the majority of my time in Christian school, I developed a constant fear of being immodest. It still plagues me to this day, I am just now beginning to find it okay to wear a tank top and shorts.

50. I like to leave notes on the table for waiters.

51. My favorite Mexican restaurant is El Parian, and oh, how I miss it. If only Conway weren't so faraway.

52. I still find it crazy that I had the courage to make that move eight hours away from everything I knew, to a school that I found online.

53. I love going to concerts. I try and pick up a drumstick from the drummer at each one.

54. Beauty in the Breaking was a time when I felt more of God, than ever before. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about those nights of worship.

55. I love the show Gilmore Girls. It's hard to watch these days, because of all the memories that come with it.

56. One of my greatest fears, is the thought that I will never be good enough.

57. One of my favorite pieces of jewelry just met its' end. A plastic ring Manuel gave to me two years ago; I wore it everyday since, up until two days ago, when it broke into two parts.

58. Something I will cherish forever...is the phone call I shared with Jose Manuel just a matter of weeks ago.

59. Some of my most treasured conversations have happened at all hours of the night, with people miles and miles away...

60. It's so very hard for me to say no.

A Vagabond, in the Truest Sense, all for Love's Cause.

"We all know the dilemma of desire, how awful it feels to open our hearts to joy, only to have grief come in. They go together. We know that. What we don't know is what to do with it, how to live in this world with desire so deep in us and disappointment lurking behind every corner. After we've taken a few arrows, dare we even desire?...Do we form no friendships because our friends might be taken from us? Do we refuse to love because we may be hurt? Do we forsake our dreams because hope has been deferred? To desire is to open our hearts to the possibility of pain; to shut down our hearts is to die altogether."

"The joy 'set before him' enabled Jesus to endure the agony of the cross. In other words, his profound desire for something greater sustained him at the moment of his deepest trial. We cannot hope to live like him without a similar depth of passion. Many people find that the dilemma of desire is too much to live with, and so they abandon, they disown their desire. Somehow we believe that we can get on without it. We are mistaken."

Taken from "Desire," by John Eldredge.

Pain isn't foreign to me, in that sense, I am just like everyone else. But I don't want to abandon my desire, just because I have encountered heartbreak. Just because I let myself feel, and nothing ever came of it. My problem is running. I run when I am faced with opening myself up to feel. I run when I am faced with admitting who I am. I run from requited and unrequited love. All I know, is running. Yet, I don't want to do this anymore.

I want to rise up and be true to my heart's deepest desires. I don't want to abandon them, nor my passions. Because if I do so, I am just empty, I am a pile of dry bones, lacking any sustenance of life in my eyes and spirit. I have been made for more than that. I have a Maker, and my heart, it matters to Him. It's up to me, to stand up and not lie down. It's up to me, to speak up and not remain silent.

Why is it that I am so embarrassed to admit that I want to be loved? That the little girl in me would love to have her hand held, when life gets tumultuous, and tempts to overtake her. That the little girl in me would love to have a boy, who could share my passion for His beautiful people of Mexico. That the little girl in me would love to be loved.

"Why are we so embarrassed by our desire? Why do we pretend that we're doing fine, thank you, that we don't need a thing? The persistent widow wasn't too proud to seek help. Niether was the psalmist. Their humility allowed them to express their desire. How little we come to God with what really matters to us. How rare it is that we even admit it to ourselves...We don't pray like Jesus because we don't allow ourselves to be nearly so alive. We don't allow ourselves to feel how desperate our situation truly is. We sense that our desire will undo us if we let it rise up in all its fullness." Taken from "Desire."

The issue comes down to whether I trust God with my deepest desire. Or do I fear him as being hard-hearted and as though my heart doesn't matter to Him. That is the issue here.

So I am learning to trust. To put myself out there, to be vulnerable. To allow myself to feel again. I am a girl, in the truest sense of the word. I have a desire to be loved. And though I have tried to bury it time and again; I think I am going to start accepting myself, for who I am. I am just a girl, with many a desire...and I will no longer leave them to be abandoned. My heart MATTERS to Him.

"The King is enthralled by my beauty." Psalm 45:11

It all matters to Him, that is such a beautiful thing. I don't have to pursue it, I don't have to fight for it. I have a God, who sings over me, who finds me beautiful. I have a God, who loves me...

Lost Art of Accepting Who I Am- Part One

I have been thinking these past couple of days about beginning to write a list, that details, who I am. A few years ago, a couple weeks even, I don't think I would have had the courage to depict such a thing for any one to see. Because a few weeks ago, I was hindered by the trepidation of being me. I'll admit most days I don't understand what God sees in me, how I could even begin to possess something close to beauty. Yet, it's such a blessing to let myself feel it. And I think that is precisely where God has been at work, tweaking my heart and allowing it to feel again, gently taking me by the hand and saying, "Darling, let me in, give me the key." It is such a beautiful thing, knowing that the Maker of the Universe looks after me, that He hurts for me, that He loves, even me.

So welcome to the journey, as I begin to give up the key, that I have clenched for so very long.

As I begin, to let people truly see me.

1. I have my own dance move, some people call it the Kristen, others have pegged it "clawing the rooftop."

2. I have an outfit for the days, when I feel fat. Yes, all girls have those days. I have a signature outfit that I go to: my beloved Baja tee-shirt and Levi skinny jeans. I am serious, that is my go-to, for such a day.

3. I secretly hope to one day, be surprised by a large group of people in an airport.

4. I love to watch the Olympics. It's almost like I go through withdrawal, with the years in between.

5. I am guilty of claiming to find hope in the fictional world of TV, and movies, alike. For example, "Never Been Kissed, and the dearly loved, "Dawson's Creek."

6. I love to watch sports. You wouldn't think so, I know. I get the crazed weird face, upon admission of this fact, but I LOVE watching football, basketball, soccer, and can tolerate the occasional baseball game.

7. I get stuck with songs, and tend to play them over and over-until eventually they have to be retired.

8. I would like to think that whoever "he" is, if God desires for me to have a 'him' that "he" will love to play with my hair.

9. I tend to venture into hiding, at times, when I feel down. Only to have my computer and a movie for my company.

10. I have come to believe that the truest and deepest of friendships are those that can be still and sit with you in silence.

11. It's hard for me to accept compliments. I think it comes from fear mostly. Fear that they will be taken back or not really meant.

12. I see now that those times when I had everything planned to only fall apart; God had more beautiful things and greater things in mind. I claim those to be some of the greatest times of my life in hindsight.

13. I have crazy hair and I have learned it's okay to let it be.

14. I get in crazy, frantic cleaning moods where I rid myself of useless material goods when I don't want to think about things.

15. I fall in love with movies, through their soundtracks.

16. I like to think that maybe one day, I will be published.

17. Some of the hardest times of my life, are when I can't seem to write. When the words, just don't seem to come to me.

18. I am quite content with my low-key life with venturing to the store and to tan with my Mom. I wouldn't have wanted this summer to be any other way, if I am completely honest. And I know that I feared the loneliness that might show up in my heart. Yet through it all, God drew my Mom and I even closer.

19. I am so sentimental, that I save certain texts and instant messages.

20. I love that God has graced me with many different homes in my life. It's truly a beautiful thing.

21. One of my most treasured memories of all is, the table of misfit toys. Venturing to Brescia University opened my eyes to see the beauty in everyone. To see the joy that could be found in simplicity.

22. It's hard for me to take my bracelets off without a good reason. The only good reason I have found yet, is for a wedding =].

23. Every part of my heart feels at home in the Baja, and I live and keep moving for the someday soon God will take me there, and I won't have to worry about saying goodbye anymore.

24. When this life is all said and done, I hope that it can be said that I lived my life "to be broken and poured all for love's cause, that I loved until there was nothing left of me."

25. I still have my little girl dream that one day, I will have a wedding, where the songs that I have written down can finally be played, and the piece I have tucked away can finally be said.

26. I want a tattoo, and I think that if I wasn't pursuing the mission field, that I would have a sleeve. I love LA Ink, and hearing of the beautiful stories behind such works of art.

27. One dream of mine, is learning how to dance. Sidenote: I'd love to pick up hip-hop.

28. I am chasing after the dream, of one day, being completely fluent in Spanish.

29. I have too much music, but that doesn't seem to stop me from purchasing more.

30. I love airports. With that being said, I love to people watch from afar.

the smallest of things, bring me bliss.

So, I am fan of watching the Nightly News and today is my birthday, and what is bliss to me?

…watching the Nightly News, although Brian Williams is surely missed, this evening, and in his place sits Ann Curry. Pure bliss is also listening to my Mother chop away for the beautiful Mexican cuisine that will be soon gracing our table. This is bliss to me.

This is my birthday.

You see those beautiful words, "I look forward to working side by side with you in the soil of Mexico knowing that God shaped you from the very beginning "for such a time as this."

This is a card, I will treasure forever.

A day that has been graced with many a message from all of my beautiful friends, both near and far. A day spent with- running to the grocery in search of lunch food with my dear, Mom, lunch at Subway and a trip to the movies to see Zac Efron on the big screen.

Bliss is seeing the movies that I will just have to see eventually. Movies that I will probably try my very hardest to compare to my life. This is bliss.

And this bliss, is enough. So thank You, beautiful Father, for bringing my heart bliss and contentment for using the smallest of things to remind me that it’s alright, that You are here with me, that everything will be okay.

Thank YOU.

This is a picture of my Grandfather's Bible...something I absolutely cherish. He was the epitome of the following scripture, "For this I will toil and struggle with the energy that he powerfully inspires within me." Colossians 1:29. I hope that this can one day, be said of me.

The Parts of My Heart.

There are so many things I need to be doing, but I find myself just waiting for anything to encourage me to move. To merely do something. And instead I get lost in the music that is quietly playing in the background and look to it for company. A dear friend and I were discussing the profound truths of Tenth Avenue North's lyrics, and though I had listened to the song, "Oh My Dear" many times before...I decided to venture back to it, and it's as if they know right where I am.

They know my heart, in its' present crazed state. They know the part of my heart holding onto the little girl dream of being loved by someone who knows that they are enough, the part of my heart scared to death that this hurt will become all too familiar, yet again. The part of my heart knowing that I need to trust to leave it all in His hands, the part of my heart wondering what I should do, should say next. The part of my heart that says to myself, "you deserve to be vulnerable, without fear." Because 'perfect love casts out all fear.' The part of my heart that says don't let the walls down again, because you are just going to fall. So you see, these are the things running through my head...distracting me from what I should be doing, what I need to be doing. And as I said last night, I know that my God is in this.

It's just from time to time, my thoughts do get the best of me. As I write, I am reminded that I know the remedy. It's going to be once again, giving God all of me.

I called you up, you were in bed, could barely make out the words that you said
But you wanted to see me instead, so I got dressed
So I stepped out into the snow, and walked for a mile or so
Felt the rush of blood come from the cold, within my chest

Well, you finally came to the door, and we talked for an hour or more
Until I asked if you would stay up until four, and you said that's fine
But you said "theres something I have to say, and I can just because I am so afraid"
And so I held you as you started to shake, that night

Oh, my dear, ill wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of
Disappear inside
Until the scale begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, ill keep you in my arms tonight

You slowly lifted your head from your hands
You said "I just don't think you'll understand
You'll never look at me that way again
If you knew what I dida"

And so your tears fell and melted the snow
You told me secrets nobody had known
But I never loved you more, even though
Now I know what you did

Oh, my dear, ill wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Oh, my dear, ill wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of
Disappear inside
Until the scale begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, ill keep you in my arms tonight

Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of
Disappear inside
Until the scale begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, ill keep you in my arms tonight
I'll keep you in my arms tonight

-"Oh My Dear," Tenth Avenue North.