Friday, October 1, 2010

the way i see it...

It's a weird feeling...going from bustling busyness and constant company to this, a quiet Friday night by myself, lost in thought. Although I wouldn't change anything.

I think, well I know, that God is gracing my heart with peace, a peace that can leave what I once knew and called home, a peace that can remind my heart that I can be still amidst everything unknown. There is a gentle peace that wasn't here before and it might just be that before, I was looking to everything and everyone else.
I wasn't looking up.

Yet, if I have learned anything, it is that no matter how hard I try I cannot hold onto people. I can love them with all that is within me, I can fight for them on my knees...but in every instance, there comes a time when I just have to hold them out in my hands and give them over to Him, cause that is where that belong. We belong to Him.

"You cannot hold onto anything that wants to go. Do you understand what I'm saying? You just got to love it while you got it, and that's that." Maybe it should be written- that we cannot hold onto anything that God wants us to let go. It's something I fight daily and just when I think that maybe I have finally come to terms with it, I falter. I look backwards. I justify my reasoning, instead of looking up.

I am not saying that I am moving on and leaving everyone behind. Rather, I am giving God, the place that He has deserved all along. I am learning the art of going to Him with my pain, my fears, and my doubts. I am learning that He is always going to be here, and that is such a beautiful the midst of the seasons, because the seasons will change.

I don't want to keep running from my Maker. I don't want to lose myself in life, for my cause.

I want to run to Him on the lonely nights and the nights of unremitting tears. I want to become lost in Him. I want to lose myself all for love's cause. I want to become broken and poured, and not let this calling of mine become ignored.

There is nothing like Him. There is no one like Him. If I don't choose to look up, my heart will remain empty. If I don't choose to look up, my company will be misery. If I don't choose to look up, there will be an ease to give up, to lay down. If I don't choose to look up, I will lose sight of all of the pretty things, the beauty about me. If I don't choose to look up, the light will fade with the heartache and the pain. If I don't choose to look up, I won't be able to choose life. So I will look up, because I know that You are more than enough. I know that YOU are the ONLY exception. Nothing compares to Your love. No one. Not one.

So in this moment, this very place. I surrender.

"I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you my King

I'm giving you my dreams,
I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, all to you

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss

For the sake of knowing You for the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain."
You brought me out of silence. You brought me out of pain. You brought me out of darkness. YOU brought me out, when I was running...You met me and my brokenness and You took a hold of me and said, "it's gonna be alright." You have done this time and again. You are constant, steadfast. YOU ARE FAITHFUL.

The little girl in me that trembles at love is going to reckon with her past, and tonight she is just going to surrender. It's all Your's, God. Everything is Your's. I am Your's.

I hear you breathing in
Another day begins
The stars are falling out
My dreams are fading now, fading out

I've been keeping my eyes wide open
I've been keeping my eyes wide open

Ooh, your love is a symphony
All around me, running through me
Ooh, your love is a melody
Underneath me, running to me

Oh, your love is a song

With my eyes wide open
I've got my eyes wide open
I've been keeping my hopes unbroken

I surrender it all here. I don't know what will become of me, or where I am. I do know that I can trust that You have my best interests at heart. I can trust that I matter to you. I can trust that my heart matters. Because Your love is a symphony, it is more than enough for me.

..the whole world has an aching heart, it's up to me to use my voice, and do my part.

so i surrender all to You, all to You.

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