It’s a Tuesday night. A quiet, still Tuesday night. A night not without plans, until just a couple of minutes ago. When suddenly, the phone conversation was declared to have been one-sided if we kept the tradition…and the skype session was deemed impossible with the failing internet.
I am not going to tip-toe and flail into a drama frenzy, instead I am going to look up. Because this place that I am in, this very moment, is exactly where God wants me. This past week I spoke to my friends, many times in tears, that my heart, my feelings seemed to be getting the best of me. That I just couldn’t find the balance I knew was there all along. My voice trembled and shook with the riveting heartache of not knowing if this is from Him.
I have struggled and still remain to be struggling with where I am. This place is so unfamiliar. I don’t know where I am going; it’s fair to say that I don’t even know what I am doing. And yes, this night of broken plans doesn’t solve everything. It isn’t a quick fix. I don’t see the remedy glaring back at me. But what has been accomplished is that I once again, have gently been reminded that to Him, I should go. When I am faced with tears, hurt, struggles, joy, love…that I should run to Him. First and foremost. I look to other people rather than looking up, more often than not. And tonight, God took away those options and my eyes looked up.
And there’s shame. Shame because God had to take them away from me, for me to give Him my full, true attention. Why is this a constant fight for me? My God loves me. He loves me. He saw fit to bring me into this life and place me in His plan for a greater purpose, than my own. He takes me back. Time and again, my Father waits for me, He beckons me onward and into His arms. And I run. I run faraway from Him and into the arms of another.
So what am I left with tonight? A heart that is speechless, because my Father pursues me. A heart that is full, because my God is enough for me. A heart that is sure, because my God is my hope, the anchor to my soul. A heart that is broken, because my God delights in me. A heart that is alive, because my Father breathes life into me. A heart that though weary, broken, torn, misunderstood, and weak is a heart that still matters to Him.
I don’t have everything figured out. I won’t ever have everything figured out. Yet, I can look back on a night like this and know that my God is for me, that He will sustain me. I can look back on a night like this and know that come what may, my God will be here, that He isn’t leaving me. If I must give up everything for Him, everything even love, I will. Because I don’t want to miss nights like this one. I don’t want to give anyone His place. Only He is deserving. Only He is worthy. Only He is enough. No one. Not one will ever satisfy the hunger my heart knows, the emptiness my heart has felt. No one. Not one.
“Because God so deeply desires unbroken fellowship with us, He loves us right where we are, regardless of how entrenched in sin we’ve become. However, He loves us far too much to just leave us there.”