A Vagabond, in the Truest Sense, all for Love's Cause.

"We all know the dilemma of desire, how awful it feels to open our hearts to joy, only to have grief come in. They go together. We know that. What we don't know is what to do with it, how to live in this world with desire so deep in us and disappointment lurking behind every corner. After we've taken a few arrows, dare we even desire?...Do we form no friendships because our friends might be taken from us? Do we refuse to love because we may be hurt? Do we forsake our dreams because hope has been deferred? To desire is to open our hearts to the possibility of pain; to shut down our hearts is to die altogether."

"The joy 'set before him' enabled Jesus to endure the agony of the cross. In other words, his profound desire for something greater sustained him at the moment of his deepest trial. We cannot hope to live like him without a similar depth of passion. Many people find that the dilemma of desire is too much to live with, and so they abandon, they disown their desire. Somehow we believe that we can get on without it. We are mistaken."

Taken from "Desire," by John Eldredge.

Pain isn't foreign to me, in that sense, I am just like everyone else. But I don't want to abandon my desire, just because I have encountered heartbreak. Just because I let myself feel, and nothing ever came of it. My problem is running. I run when I am faced with opening myself up to feel. I run when I am faced with admitting who I am. I run from requited and unrequited love. All I know, is running. Yet, I don't want to do this anymore.

I want to rise up and be true to my heart's deepest desires. I don't want to abandon them, nor my passions. Because if I do so, I am just empty, I am a pile of dry bones, lacking any sustenance of life in my eyes and spirit. I have been made for more than that. I have a Maker, and my heart, it matters to Him. It's up to me, to stand up and not lie down. It's up to me, to speak up and not remain silent.

Why is it that I am so embarrassed to admit that I want to be loved? That the little girl in me would love to have her hand held, when life gets tumultuous, and tempts to overtake her. That the little girl in me would love to have a boy, who could share my passion for His beautiful people of Mexico. That the little girl in me would love to be loved.

"Why are we so embarrassed by our desire? Why do we pretend that we're doing fine, thank you, that we don't need a thing? The persistent widow wasn't too proud to seek help. Niether was the psalmist. Their humility allowed them to express their desire. How little we come to God with what really matters to us. How rare it is that we even admit it to ourselves...We don't pray like Jesus because we don't allow ourselves to be nearly so alive. We don't allow ourselves to feel how desperate our situation truly is. We sense that our desire will undo us if we let it rise up in all its fullness." Taken from "Desire."

The issue comes down to whether I trust God with my deepest desire. Or do I fear him as being hard-hearted and as though my heart doesn't matter to Him. That is the issue here.

So I am learning to trust. To put myself out there, to be vulnerable. To allow myself to feel again. I am a girl, in the truest sense of the word. I have a desire to be loved. And though I have tried to bury it time and again; I think I am going to start accepting myself, for who I am. I am just a girl, with many a desire...and I will no longer leave them to be abandoned. My heart MATTERS to Him.

"The King is enthralled by my beauty." Psalm 45:11

It all matters to Him, that is such a beautiful thing. I don't have to pursue it, I don't have to fight for it. I have a God, who sings over me, who finds me beautiful. I have a God, who loves me...