A lot has happened these few days. My heart has been here and there, ravaged with uncertainties, broken into tiny pieces, because words, they do hurt. And tears, they do come...when your heart is invested into someone.
So I woke up yesterday morning, with my eyes speaking volumes, they were swollen from the rush of tears. Mom has been such a beautiful blessing and was all the more so yesterday-spoiling me with a manicure and pedicure, a Sonic run, and fresh salads while watching Notting Hill. She was just there for me. And I can't tell you how precious that it is, it's been a long time coming. I have never felt this close to my Mom. And what a beautiful thing, it is.
I was talking with a beautiful friend earlier today, about how if I have gotten anything out of this, it would be that I am not who I was four years ago, it's that I am not the girl lost in a sea of people, who say it is okay to be bitter, it is okay to drown yourself in your misery, because you deserve it.
I am not that girl anymore.
Instead I am girl who can send out a plea for prayer and get an immediate response. Instead I am girl who feels surrounded, rather than alone in all of this.
The beauty of it all is that they know next to nothing about where I am, and it doesn't stop them from praying. It's that I have a friend who knows what this is like, who will just sit with me over coffee and just let me be. It's that I have a friend who poured out her prayer over me on the phone yesterday and brought the tears back to my eyes. It's that knowing in everything, He is faithful. That He can be my everything.
It's that this girl who once would have never spoken up, is now finding her voice. That in spite of everything that has happened these past couple days, He graced me with the courage to tell the stories of my beautiful, Mexico, my home, to the congregation this morning. That in spite of everything, He brought me through a meeting when it felt as though I needed to rush and defend myself and the work I have been doing.
In spite of everything, I have a God, who loves me-who isn't leaving me. God is still God, in this. And I don't even know what this is anymore.
But Abraham set out on a journey long ago, without knowing where he was going and he had the faith to move. To keep moving amidst the uncertainty. He had the courage to put himself out there. And Paul, he had a tendency to make a mess of things, that he might save some. And look at what a beautiful mess, it turned out to be.
"They examined and questioned their assumptions about what it meant to love God and what kinds of people were important to God. They did not fully comprehend what Jesus was doing. But each of those events, whether the disciples knew it or not at the time, left an indelible mark on their memories and etched a clearer picture of discipleship."
---"Why Jesus Crossed the Road," Bruce Main.
I say all of this, because I am learning that it is okay to not know where I am going. It is okay to let down my walls, without running the opposite way for fear of getting hurt. I say all of this, because today God used one of my closest friends to tell me, that I am not who I was. And until now, I didn't really see it.
That's the beauty of His grace, isn't it?....that He is working in you when you least expect it. That He is the same God in both your passion and your pain. That never once did he say 'you have to have all of this together, before you can gain my love,' but instead died on the cross saying that, 'because of me and my love, you are more than enough.'
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