These past few days have been an absolute whirlwind of emotions:

Awakened to a sudden sadness that stole my very breath.

Encouraged by the hope that You're all I ever needed.

Abandoned and left to memories of what once was.

Wounded with an oppressing ache of loneliness.

Sheltered in the arms of my Maker, who never leaves, and always loves.

Overjoyed at where You are taking me.

Tuesday, I fell asleep soundly. Wednesday, I awakened to an undeniable sense of grief, emptiness, loss. A pain so harsh that my knees felt weak and too feeble to step out from the covers, be awakened from sleep. My heart felt paralyzed, abandoned, empty. . . I couldn't put words to my sadness, the ache that closed in around me. I still can't. A part of me still, and will always be with you. It's a journey from here, and on into freedom. He is my Shelter, my refuge, my very strength. He is my reason on the days of all-encompassing sorrow, and brimming joy. He is enough for the heartache, the wounds, the emptiness. He is more than enough for all of me.

The enemy tells me that I'm not enough, that the fleeting feeling is all I will ever experience. That I'll never have a hand to hold. That I should just lay down on the coming Wednesdays of my life and just not move any further. Because I will always be left to fight alone. And what are these? LIES.

My Maker has tears in His eyes when the lies take hold. He whispers ever so gently, "Little Girl, I am not, I won't let go. When the shards of brokenness leave you empty, when the ache of your heart takes away your breath, when the thoughts of what could have been are all that you have left. . . take heart, and don't fall prey to his lies, that all that awaits you is demise. You are my beloved. You are beautiful. You are known. You are not your own. There is shelter, there is rest, there is refuge.. here in My arms of love."

"For Christ plays in ten thousand places,
Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his
To the Father through the features of men's faces."

Gerard Manley Hopkins

I am sitting here quite in awe of my Maker. Captivated by all He is and what He has done.

He's taken a girl, once wary and uncertain of speaking out, consumed with doubt. . .

that He would use me. That He would love me. That I could move for Him. That I could give up love for Him. That my calling was too big for my heart to bear.

And what has He done? But lead me into His Word, His arms of love. Where peace was found. Where waiting became welcomed, instead of unwanted. Where faithfulness is evident. "I am restless, until I rest in You."

She was lost in Your words. . .

and then Your tears were heard-

falling from the clouded sky.

You were acknowledging her wound,

because it didn't pass You by.

The teardrops on her window,

was Your delicate way of saying You know-

of the moments,

her heart has been spent.

of the dire need,

for affirmation, mere acknowledgement.

of the fragile state...

the wait.

But You are God of the broken people,

wounded, once off Your easel.

You are a mender of hearts and their million pieces;

You are God, and Your love never ceases.

You know the ache of being unloved,

and You had the strength to look up.

You know loss,

and its' cost.

And to think that You know and love all of me, that You see. . .

that I am not alone, never will be,

is something altogether beautiful and beyond me.

I found out today, that I have been accepted into an internship with NOE International starting in March. I will be teaching English, loving His children. I will finally be home in my beloved country, Mexico. It's been a long time coming. He is faithful. His timing is perfect. And suddenly, I am little girl giddy with ideas of newsletters, support raising, brimming with tears of joy and hope.

My God is taking me home.

In the shelter of each other we will live. . .

Life has taken at toll on me these past couple of weeks. . .

But in the midst of undeniable pain, my God has met me constantly right where I am. Even on the days when my eyes have just wanted to fall to the ground and do anything but look up to Him; He has lifted me up and held me close.

Tears fell as I listened to Aaron Shust sing a song I had heard so many times before, but what felt like for the very first time: "My Saviour lives, My Saviour loves, My Saviour's always there for me." Following that song he went on to tell a story of a man who traveled to India and asked Mother Theresa to pray that he would find clarity. She replied, "You need not pray for clarity. You need to trust. I will pray that you will trust."

So many days have lately been spent in the company of both silence and of dear friends with tears crying out for clarity. How applicable to me, it was and still is.

In these past few weeks I have had to look to Him; I have had to trust Him more than ever before. I have had to acknowledge with both my head and my heart that He is enough. He is more than enough for me. In the wake of pain, heartache, He is enough. Always, enough.

"And it’s out of my hands, it was from the start

In light of what you’ve done for me

In light of what you’ve done for me

You lifted my head, set me apart

In light of what you’ve done for me

This is what you’ve done for me

It’s out of my hands

It’s out of my hands"

I recently stumbled upon Jars of Clay's new album, Shelter, which was inspired by a series of essays written by various authors. The lyrics have been perfectly fitting for me. To know that it's all out of my hands and to be able to rest in that truth, is something altogether beautiful.

These past few days I have had to give things up and pursue others. I have had to trust and stop begging and fighting for clarity. I have found my Father in the words of a well-known song, and a mixture of altogether new ones. I have found my Father in the words of His own writing that have often gone overlooked and misunderstood. I have stumbled upon the goodness of His love, all the more these days, and my eyes have once again seen the beauty in the breaking, and the taking.

"In the shelter of each other the people live."

To all who are looking down

Holding onto hearts still wounding

For those who’ve yet to find it

The places near where love is moving

Cast off the robes you’re wearing

Set aside the names that you’ve been given

May this place of rest in the fold of your journey

Bind you to hope, you will never walk alone

In the shelter of each other, we will live, we will live

In the shelter of each other, we will live, we will live

Your arms are all around us

If our hearts have turned to stone

There is hope, we know the rocks will cry out

And the tears aren’t ours alone

Let them fall into the hands that hold us

Come away from where you’re hiding

Set aside the lies that you’ve been living

May this place of rest in the fold of your journey

Bind you to hope that we will never walk alone

If there is any peace, if there is any hope

We must all believe, our lives are not our own

We all belong

God has given us each other

And we will never walk alone

Isaiah 54:5-7, 10:

"For your Maker is your husband—

the LORD Almighty is his name—

the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;

he is called the God of all the earth.

The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—

a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God.

For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.

Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you."

There are doors opening that I have been waiting for for years. The field is not as far off, as it once was.

And my heart is speechless, overwhelmed and absolutely joyful.

My eyes fell upon these few lines in last night's reading:

"You-you-were worth dying for.

And you are beautiful.

You are holy.

You are free."

"It's out of my hands. It was from the start. You've lifted my head. You've set me apart. . ."

Heavily Burdened

her feet want to pick up the pace, and follow her heart

there has been a wait here, but everything within just wants to set out, to start-

to unfold the beginnings of a journey unknown,

to bask in the glory of it all, that You long to be shown

to reunite with the part of her that has been lost,

no matter how great the cost.

it's a struggle and a daily fight,

the days seem to be getting closer and more in sight...

but there are still bits and pieces that need to be refined,

and it's all she can do to be in the moment, because Mexico may be out of sight, but it never has been out of mind.

there's a constant pull to run home,

there's a constant pull to cease to roam,

there's a constant reel of images, keeping her company,

there's a constant longing to just be-

to be apart of something bigger and grand...

to take part in everything, that You have perfectly planned.

the routine and the lists must have her attention,

but it is getting harder these days, to even give them an honorable mention.

when the brown-eyed beauties are holding her heart,

despite the distance, and them, being so far apart.

when she is lost in the comforts of her memories,

and they, become all she sees.

she is waiting, but there's a readiness within her, more than ever before,

there's a longing to move home and see everything that You have in store.

to reach for the hands of the beautiful deep chocolate-eyed children,

to pick up their pieces and carry them.

to hold the mothers, who feel lost and all alone,

to remind them that they are not their own.

for that day when her heart can rest in knowing that she is there to stay,

without having to prepare herself for the visit's final day...

For that day, when her feet and her heart are finally, in the same place.

Today is one, where I feel that nothing is accomplished, where I have been lost in the memories and the hopes of tomorrow. I just can't gather the courage and the fight to finish what has been set before me. The idea of having three essays and three tests in front of me no longer seems to be a feasible feat, but instead scares me. Yes, it scares me. Three essays and three tests scare this college graduate into an abyss of avoidance. So I willingly choose to come here, to this haven of mine, rather than sitting down and telling myself that it can and will be accomplished. Today. It can and will be accomplished today.

I'm a mess, I tell you. An absolute mess. And there are days, when I can put up quite the disguise, but today had you been around me...I think you would have been able to tell otherwise. I just take more on these days, rather than let things go. I fear complacency in one place, so I choose to take on something else simultaneously. I have moments when I feel courageous, and then I feel weakened and empty to the very core. Two jobs and two classes are getting the best of me....

Because there is a dire readiness in my heart and soul that just wants to go home, to get the field that stole a piece of my heart, eight years ago. To get there, always looking up, without looking back...

A veces te fallé, mas tú fuiste fiel,
Tu gracia me levantó, me basta tu amor,

Dios eterno, tu luz por siempre brillará
Y tu gloria, incomparable sin final.

A Night Like This:

It’s a Tuesday night. A quiet, still Tuesday night. A night not without plans, until just a couple of minutes ago. When suddenly, the phone conversation was declared to have been one-sided if we kept the tradition…and the skype session was deemed impossible with the failing internet.

I am not going to tip-toe and flail into a drama frenzy, instead I am going to look up. Because this place that I am in, this very moment, is exactly where God wants me. This past week I spoke to my friends, many times in tears, that my heart, my feelings seemed to be getting the best of me. That I just couldn’t find the balance I knew was there all along. My voice trembled and shook with the riveting heartache of not knowing if this is from Him.

I have struggled and still remain to be struggling with where I am. This place is so unfamiliar. I don’t know where I am going; it’s fair to say that I don’t even know what I am doing. And yes, this night of broken plans doesn’t solve everything. It isn’t a quick fix. I don’t see the remedy glaring back at me. But what has been accomplished is that I once again, have gently been reminded that to Him, I should go. When I am faced with tears, hurt, struggles, joy, love…that I should run to Him. First and foremost. I look to other people rather than looking up, more often than not. And tonight, God took away those options and my eyes looked up.

And there’s shame. Shame because God had to take them away from me, for me to give Him my full, true attention. Why is this a constant fight for me? My God loves me. He loves me. He saw fit to bring me into this life and place me in His plan for a greater purpose, than my own. He takes me back. Time and again, my Father waits for me, He beckons me onward and into His arms. And I run. I run faraway from Him and into the arms of another.

So what am I left with tonight? A heart that is speechless, because my Father pursues me. A heart that is full, because my God is enough for me. A heart that is sure, because my God is my hope, the anchor to my soul. A heart that is broken, because my God delights in me. A heart that is alive, because my Father breathes life into me. A heart that though weary, broken, torn, misunderstood, and weak is a heart that still matters to Him.

I don’t have everything figured out. I won’t ever have everything figured out. Yet, I can look back on a night like this and know that my God is for me, that He will sustain me. I can look back on a night like this and know that come what may, my God will be here, that He isn’t leaving me. If I must give up everything for Him, everything even love, I will. Because I don’t want to miss nights like this one. I don’t want to give anyone His place. Only He is deserving. Only He is worthy. Only He is enough. No one. Not one will ever satisfy the hunger my heart knows, the emptiness my heart has felt. No one. Not one.

“Because God so deeply desires unbroken fellowship with us, He loves us right where we are, regardless of how entrenched in sin we’ve become. However, He loves us far too much to just leave us there.”

the way i see it...

It's a weird feeling...going from bustling busyness and constant company to this, a quiet Friday night by myself, lost in thought. Although I wouldn't change anything.

I think, well I know, that God is gracing my heart with peace, a peace that can leave what I once knew and called home, a peace that can remind my heart that I can be still amidst everything unknown. There is a gentle peace that wasn't here before and it might just be that before, I was looking to everything and everyone else.

I wasn't looking up.

Yet, if I have learned anything, it is that no matter how hard I try I cannot hold onto people. I can love them with all that is within me, I can fight for them on my knees...but in every instance, there comes a time when I just have to hold them out in my hands and give them over to Him, cause that is where that belong. We belong to Him.

"You cannot hold onto anything that wants to go. Do you understand what I'm saying? You just got to love it while you got it, and that's that." Maybe it should be written- that we cannot hold onto anything that God wants us to let go. It's something I fight daily and just when I think that maybe I have finally come to terms with it, I falter. I look backwards. I justify my reasoning, instead of looking up.

I am not saying that I am moving on and leaving everyone behind. Rather, I am giving God, the place that He has deserved all along. I am learning the art of going to Him with my pain, my fears, and my doubts. I am learning that He is always going to be here, and that is such a beautiful comfort...in the midst of the seasons, because the seasons will change.

I don't want to keep running from my Maker. I don't want to lose myself in life, for my cause.

I want to run to Him on the lonely nights and the nights of unremitting tears. I want to become lost in Him. I want to lose myself all for love's cause. I want to become broken and poured, and not let this calling of mine become ignored.

There is nothing like Him. There is no one like Him. If I don't choose to look up, my heart will remain empty. If I don't choose to look up, my company will be misery. If I don't choose to look up, there will be an ease to give up, to lay down. If I don't choose to look up, I will lose sight of all of the pretty things, the beauty about me. If I don't choose to look up, the light will fade with the heartache and the pain. If I don't choose to look up, I won't be able to choose life. So I will look up, because I know that You are more than enough. I know that YOU are the ONLY exception. Nothing compares to Your love. No one. Not one.

So in this moment, this very place. I surrender.

"I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within

I lay it all down for the sake of you my King

I'm giving you my dreams,

I'm laying down my rights

I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to you, all to you

And I surrender all to you, all to you

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross

And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss

For the sake of knowing You for the glory of Your name

To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain."

You brought me out of silence. You brought me out of pain. You brought me out of darkness. YOU brought me out, when I was running...You met me and my brokenness and You took a hold of me and said, "it's gonna be alright." You have done this time and again. You are constant, steadfast. YOU ARE FAITHFUL.

The little girl in me that trembles at love is going to reckon with her past, and tonight she is just going to surrender. It's all Your's, God. Everything is Your's. I am Your's.

I hear you breathing in
Another day begins
The stars are falling out
My dreams are fading now, fading out

I've been keeping my eyes wide open
I've been keeping my eyes wide open

Ooh, your love is a symphony
All around me, running through me
Ooh, your love is a melody
Underneath me, running to me

Oh, your love is a song

With my eyes wide open
I've got my eyes wide open
I've been keeping my hopes unbroken

I surrender it all here. I don't know what will become of me, or where I am. I do know that I can trust that You have my best interests at heart. I can trust that I matter to you. I can trust that my heart matters. Because Your love is a symphony, it is more than enough for me.

..the whole world has an aching heart, it's up to me to use my voice, and do my part.

so i surrender all to You, all to You.

Fighting for HOPE.

So my eyes beheld a weariness just a little over a week ago. My spirit had seemed to be weakening with the passing of each day. My footsteps became slower and more intentional, because moving just a step forward took everything from within me. And then...

Then I was able to pack my bags and look forward, rather than behind.

I was able to board a plane and leave what my life has become, behind me for a week, without looking back.

I was able to return to a home of mine, and there, I was able to love His people, that I love to love.

I was able to venture to see a dear, beautiful friend of mine that I hadn't seen in 501 days.

I was able to relish in coffee outings, taco stands, smoothies, shopping, church, photo shoots, sunsets, tattoos with some of my closest friends.

I was able to be still and sit for awhile in beloved company. I was able to dance in the parking lot and not be ashamed.

I was able to bask in my Father's presence with beautiful people. I was able to cry and be held. I was able to just be.

What a revival of the spirit that is, what a welcome renewal.

You may not have known how much this trip was needed. You may not have known that in the days before my arrival it was hard to keep moving, to keep breathing...that everything seemed to just be closing in around me. You may not have seen the weariness, until the tears began to fall. All this to say is that God used you. He used you to lift me out and remind me that I am not alone. He used you to show me that I am still His, that He is still here with me.

The dynamics of friendships have changed, I can see it...it just cannot be denied. I guess I want you to know that you should just talk it all in, because you will miss it. Take everything in with the people about you, the people that have stood with you through it all. Don't let them go so easily. Fight for these remaining moments. Fight for those beside you, when they are too weary to fight.

Don't you give up hope. I say this for each of you and I am saying this for myself. There is so much left of this life. So choose life. Choose to wake up and behold His steadfast love and mercy that is your's for the taking. Choose life, over misery.

Say what needs to be said. And stop holding everyone at arm's length while they are right there in front of you, okay? Because I am sure someone among you needs to know that they are not alone. Someone needs to know that you will fight for them. Stop holding back and love until there is nothing left of you. God's love and strength will see you through.

"We all need to be carried, and we all get to carry. And it's grace that holds us up so we don't collapse under the weight of it all.

Yes, the world is beautifully broken, and it wraps us up in both extremes. But in the end, our story comes back to us. Humanity is wonderful and flawed because I am wonderful and flawed. Humanity is wonderful and flawed because you are wonderful and flawed. And when we confess the simple truth of both to each other, we embrace the grace and mercy our Father has given us. Then somehow all those broken pieces come together in an awkward mosaic and we find life. We find healing. We find hope. Yes, we have been broken. Sometimes we've been broken a lot. Some of us think we've done too much, or had so much done to us that we're not worth being rescued....The one, solid, faithful promise of truth in all of this is that we are being rescued. And it's time for you to tell someone about it. It's time for you to speak freely....Confess the beautiful and the broken. Because someone is waiting on you to speak."

-Permission to Speak Freely, by Anne Jackson

These are just the fragmented cries of a girl that has been blessed to feel it all. I haven't made it yet. I don't have it all together. I just know that you deserve to cherish each moment that God places within your palms. I know that you deserve to be rescued. I know that you deserve to speak freely. I know that you will look back on these days and that, they will give you strength when it's lacking.

So take hold of those closest to you and keep fighting for them....even when it is hard to keep up the fight. Hold onto the hope, the steadfast anchor of our souls. Hold onto love, because it binds everything together in perfect harmony. Hold onto each other. There is more to this life-more than pain, suffering, tears, loneliness and depression. The beauty of it all is that He knows you. He is right where you are. You haven't been left and He isn't leaving.

Take heart, dear friend. You are loved. And He is enough. All is not lost. Your friendships don't have to be left collecting dust or stowed away in your memories; open your eyes and you'll see that there is still hope. A near revival, so pray and seek, dear friend. Pray. Seek. Wait.

He is faithful. In these past few days, you have all done your part to show me that there is truth to those three words. My heart is brimming with gratitude that God brought me to you...and continues to do so in the times that I need it the most. Prayers are being said for you without ceasing. You are dearly loved. You will never be forgotten. I carry you with me. I carry you in my heart.

For the days when you need a sunset, a piece of hope, written with you in mind:

Hebrews 6:18

II Corinthians 7:4, 10-11

Philippians 1:3-11

Psalm 40

Lamentations 3