the little things, the unfinished things...

So these past few days have been a tad difficult. There's a busyness, in that I haven't seen my Mom since Monday, and I live with her. We are all constantly going... Dad had a wreck two days ago and no one was hurt, but if you know my past, you know he is fragile. God has brought him out of it, but it's still a daily thing. It just reminded me of how fleeting life is. How it is so easy to get lost in the routine and then come home to hearing the news that something more, like that happened. Instantly, my mind reverts back to two years ago. It just shows me that I need to delight in every moment, every opportunity, that my God gives me.

"If we believe our affairs are in God's hands, every event, whether joyous or tragic, will be taken as part of His plan." -Phillip Keller

"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty." Psalm 91:1

Yesterday, was one of those days when you seem to wake up with the sense that it's going to be a hard day, for whatever reason, you just don't feel like moving. That was my yesterday. So I went to work and I tried to shake off the feelings, and God placed little things in my day...to remind me that He was with me. I saw Him in Jean Marie who paid for the woman's items behind her. I saw another customer do the very same thing for some one else. I heard him in the laughter of Granny, Steve and Dallas going about their joker-like selves.

And I saw him in the guy at Starbucks who made me laugh over my paying in gold coins, the other barista replied, "don't you always just feel like a pirate, when you pay with gold coins?! Retrieving my drink that was only supposed to be a grande, to be graced with a venti.

"Life is the total sum of what you do with the moments given you." -Erwin McManus

It's the little things, I tell you. The unfinished things. God placing me back in the Goodwill, because my time there was unfinished. The little things. Waking up to an email, and knowing that I am not alone in my thinking. It's the little and unfinished things, that God is using to open my eyes to Him.

Lyrics to "Keep Looking Up," by Landon Pigg

Like a little locket hangs

Round your little neck so closely to your heart
So shall I be forever
I know you're going somewhere new
And I know it's never gonna to feel like home to you
But this time the only way around is through

So keep looking up, on past the birds
And keep looking up past the clouds
And when you reach up and clear away the stars
I will be there where you are

Like a little locket hangs
Round your little neck so closely to your heart
So shall I be forever
And even if you run away
Put on all your dark clothes, hide in shadows
Just remember one thing

Keep looking up, on past the birds
And keep looking up past the clouds
And when you reach up and clear away the stars
I will be there where you are

I will be there where you are
I will be there

Keep looking up, on past the birds
And keep looking up past the clouds
And when you reach up and clear away the stars
I will be there where you are

Keep looking up, on past the birds
And keep looking up past the clouds
And when you reach up and clear away the stars
I will be there where you are

So closely to your heart

So I will keep looking up.

Because I have my commutes, my every minute, to talk to my Father, who is always here for me. Who uses coffee outings, skype sessions, emails, texts...the little things and unfinished things, to remind that it is all going to be okay. That He will see me through, the days when I can't seem to keep my feet moving. He quietly whispers, "just look up, I am seeing you through, My strength prevails, when there is no strength left in you."

take heart

"I wish the world was flat like the old days, And I could travel just by folding a map. No more airplanes or speed trains or freeways, There'd be no distance that could hold us back."

- Death Cab for Cutie

Alas, there is so little I can do…

In such a moment, but just know that I think of you.

The miles standing in between,

Do nothing to keep the beauty from being seen.

I like to think that you know I am here,

That in spite of the distance, that I am trying to revel in for your sake, that I am near.

I like to think that when the words don’t seem to come easily,

That you know it is taking all of me, to not just be able to be there, and be your quiet company.

So this is a night, where I want you to just close your eyes,

And take comfort, in knowing that God knows your every sigh.

So this is a night, where I want you to just close your eyes,

And picture us, side by side.

We’re sitting in a bustling city, on a quiet beach,

And, there is no need for mindless speech…

Because you and I both, can welcome silence,

We’ll meet it willingly, in the place of the all-familiar distance…

So tonight, I pray you, take heart…

Rest in knowing that He and I, we aren’t going to depart.

Alas, there is so little I can do…

In such a moment, but just know that I think of you.

still I will hope in YOU.

My eyes fell upon Psalm 107, the other night, and the significance of them didn't fully ring true until this very moment...when I gravitated back to the Starbuck's straw paper marking these dear words. And there I found:

"Some wandered in desert wastes,

finding no way to an inhabited town;

hungry and thirsty,

their soul fainted within them.

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,

and he delivered them from their distress;

he led them by a straight way,

until they reached an inhabited town.

Let them thank the LORD for his steadfast love,

for his wonderful works to humankind.

For he satisfies the thirsty,

and the hungry he fills with good things...

Their hearts were bowed down with hard labor,

they fell down, with no one to help.

Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,

and he saved them from their distress."

One word is repeated throughout this entire passage, and it brings me hope: DELIVERANCE.

And what song happens to begin to play on my Pandora just now: "CAME TO THE RESCUE."

It's a beautiful time in my life. There's been some pain intertwined, there have been days when I have wondered what I am doing, there have been moments of utter discouragement, there have been moments of weariness, there have been moments when something has been missing, there have been moments just needing to know that the field is not that far off, that this too, will all work out.

YET. There has been deliverance in the past, so everything within me knows there is deliverance in the future. My God's love hasn't changed. He has and always will come to the rescue. He is working, even when I cannot begin to see it. He has me here for a purpose, even though it is unknown to me. He has me waiting on the field for a reason. My God is a God of DELIVERANCE, AND HE CAME AND COMES TO MY RESCUE.

Still I will hope in Him, and I will wait for Him.

And if you are out there reading this, I pray that you know God, He, fights for you too.

That in our dire moments of need, we have a Father who comes, runs to our rescue.

Fearful and Flawed...

Tonight she met with her Maker,

her beloved Saviour.

Humbled to tears,

that You her God, would love her enough, to take away her fears.

She found You, within the crisp pages of a book,

and realized how often of You, she overlooks.

She met with You in her broken scattered prayer,

and You, You were right there.

And now...the weariness, the weight is losing its' hold on her...

and her heart it is being reawakened, it is beginning to stir.

You are in this,

and so she can look to You, and Your faithfulness.

The weariness that had its' hold on me these past weeks is beginning to leave me. And God, He is opening my eyes to see--the people that He has placed in my life so perfectly. Those that are but a phone call away, those that welcome His words that He needs to say. Those that speak life over me, when I am but a lost soul fighting misery. Those whose light in their eyes bring hope, for when it seems to be a shadowed demise. Those who understand that there is beauty in silence, and will just sit with me no matter the distance.

Those whose love is so beyond me, I don't even have the eyes to see. Those that just go out of their way to remind me that He is in this, with me. That there is a life-giving God in my midst; He is in, even this.

My God seeks me. He delights in me. He pursues me. And what do I do in return? I run. I let the fear take hold. I choose comfort and complacency at times, over being bold. I look to others more often than Him. I stumble. I fall. I give it all up, to leave it all. I become consumed. I latch onto lies. But, my God is a God of love, and He calls me His own, His beloved, His prize.

"Fear can and often does, control our actions, our thoughts, our faith. Fear can dictate where we live and where we worship. From my perspective, fear too frequently is the barrier that keeps us from stepping beyond the familiar and into the realm of the uncertain."

What does it all come down to? "Our life is not our own, and God will be with us wherever we go."

And to think that God chooses flawed, fearful people, that He chooses me to rise, to live for love's cause. It's okay for the fearful and flawed to become vulnerable, to admit their fears, their greatest shortcomings.

It's okay for me, fearful and flawed, to become vulnerable, to admit my fears. But it's not okay to let fear keep me from moving into the unfamiliar and loving to the tips of my fingers.

One of those days...

I feel like there are so many things I wish to recount here, but maybe it is just one of those days when I need to feel the company of something or someone...and during a workday this is all I can turn to to fulfill such a need. I am weary in every sense of the word. I'm scared to death of losing people. So scared that I have seemed to become paralyzed, rather than becoming proactive to reach out to those I am so afraid of losing. I am scared to death of love. I am scared to death that I will live forever alone. Today is a day of contradictions, and to any who might stumble upon this to read...I am sure that it will be meaningless to you.

These past few days have been difficult, with some bouts of undeniable goodness. There have been beautiful reminders of God being in this, through the lives of my friends-with phone calls, countdowns and just a constancy of love. And then there have been bittersweet dreams, that do nothing for me. Though you are in them, it brings a sweet sadness and this morning was one of those mornings...I couldn't convince myself to wake up, I wanted to hold onto the dream before me.

There has been a weariness these days physically, mentally and emotionally. There have been days that I just couldn't seem to accomplish anything at all, because my thoughts have been wracking any energy, that is left in me.

I guess I am just making that transition that I have always dreamed of, and with it comes, the need to say what needs to be said, the need to retrace the steps back to those days when keeping in touch held utmost importance, the need to be still, while keep moving. The need to wait, even though I want to run out of here... and into my dream.

God can't you see can't you see your children at your feet.
God can't you hear can't you hear, our cries for you to come.
Silent you seem while we wait
in the darkness of our past.
But silent your not find our hearts
Find us comfort find us fast.
We will wait. We will wait God
We will wait. We will wait, God. We Wait.
And with this wait on our chest,
we gather up the breathe to sing this song.
But as one we confess,
we do not have the strength to carry on.
So wait, though we wait we rejoice
in the suffering we all share.
For the stones they've thrown apon us
cause their stones are farther promise we would bear
oh, we will wait
We will wait God.
Come Abba Father, Come let Your light shine down.

-Wait, Caleb Chapman

Nostalgia is beckoning me, so I return to photographs and memories...

Today is one of those days, when everything and everyone dear, just seem so very faraway.

It's hard seeing someone everyday and then going without seeing them at all, for years at a time.

It's hard talking to someone everyday and then going without doing so and not knowing when you'll talk again.

It's a night, where I just feel more attune to thoughts, such as these.

A night when I feel more sentimental than usual. I know, it doesn't seem possible, but it's true.

Photographs and Memories, Jason Reeves

I keep your picture by my bed for when im feeling sad
And i dont know why i would be.
The way your smile looks so real
I feel like i could start to understand your grace.
And i dont understand why you're
Not here with me.
And i dont even wanna know where else
You'd be.

Cause i have photographs and memories of the times
When you weren't on my mind and i was alone.
And i have poetry and drawings of my life
When you weren't on my side and i didn't know
Just what is love...

Writing moments on the wall with different colors
Keeps my mind away from missing you.
And i can't wait to fall asleep to slip into my dreams
Where we can dance upon a star..
And i will be as patient as a boy in love could ever be.
Cause i don't feel like i was real until you were
A part of me.

I need you back, i need you back
I need you here.
I need your smile, i need your eyes
I need you dear.
Cause every line on your face makes a beautiful maze
For my eyes to trace...

My company, my photographs and memories...

I know I am right where I need to be, but that doesn't mean I can say, I have this all figured out.

There are days when it's hard to just simply get through; there are days when in my heart of hearts I don't even know what to do.

Praise be to Him, who loves me all the same, who sees me as a woman of promise, His beloved dame.

Praise be to my God, my King, who is enough for all of me.

He is enough for the woman stricken with "the missing" of a country, so foreign to all she knows.

He is enough for the little girl with dreams and secrets, that she'll only admit in prose.

He is enough for the woman, that is overly sentimental on days such as these.

He is enough for the little girl, who is scared to death she won't be enough, and that she will displease.

He is enough for the woman who is afraid of falling in love and being alone.

He is enough for the little girl who wants to shout at the top of her lungs of your glory, to take it the nations,

for YOU, to be made known.

He is enough for the woman and the little girl in me, and this is one of the moments,

when I trust, and I will not flee.

Much Can Be Gained, from the Little Prince...

The Little Prince, is such a beautiful piece of literature. I read it through its' entirety last night, at the recommendation from someone very dear to me. I started to read, and I couldn't stop until I reached the end. The words tugged on my heart and reached out to me as if I myself, was part of the story and yes, the tears came with that of a "good book, a great film, a birthday card, I weep."

“And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows), you will be content that you have known me."

"It is such a secret place, the land of tears."

"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret:

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you."

“You are beautiful, but you are empty,” he went on. “One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you– the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose. It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.”

Soneto XVII, by Pablo Neruda...

No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,

sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

This sonnet and my reading of The Little Prince, took me back to something my dear friend, Niki, had written long ago and left for me... to remind me to keep hoping:

"Don't hate it. God doesn't place desires in your heart for no reason. If you love something, it's because God already knows who your soulmate is and He created your hearts to match. Don't deny His power by not having the faith that He has someone for you that will not be someone you settle for or have to pursue on your own. When this man (and amazing he will be) finds you, he is going to be so madly drawn to you that his heart will pause when you enter a room and smiles will light up his face when you cross his mind and his breath will catch the moment he realizes he sees love in your eyes. Don't sell God short, love. It's okay to focus on other things and try not to let it overtake you, but it's not okay to say "I'm just not getting married." He has more in mind for you than you can ever imagine; a relationship that is a ministry and an encouragement to everyone who sees it. Don't give up."

So with all of these things, what it all comes down to tonight, is that I am not letting the enemy rob me of my hope, my zeal, my passion, my dream. I used to just claim the easy way out; I used to tell my heart to settle that loneliness was my only answer...but God has placed many people in my life, these days, to reach out and say that isn't His way at all. Choosing misery over life, is nothing but a tragedy. I have been there. I have deadened my desires and placed myself and my heart in the shadows, but that is no way to live. Instead, I am going to retain and regain my hope, that was once lost. I am going to move forward, in light of the truth, that I am an exception.

I Believe in You Lyrics, Bethany Dillon...

When there's nothing to believe in, I belive in you
Forget the past and let my hand in yours be the proof
Though the strong could be my company, you're the one I choose
So remember, I believe in you

I know it feels like every eye is watching you
Waiting for you to fall, expecting you to lose
But I see victory, so all you have to do
Is remember, I believe in you

I believe, even when I see you crying
I believe, let me dream for you
When nothing comes from trying
Remember, I believe in you

There will come a day when love will lift you out of here
There will come a day when love will bring the truth
There will come a day when love will free you from your fear
And you'll remember, I believe in you

I believe, even when I see you crying
I believe, let me dream for you
When nothing comes from trying
Remember, I believe in you

So I believe. I will keep believing, because You give me something to believe in. I believe in you. I believe that love is meant to be felt, and that everyone deserves to feel it.

Pablo Neruda, puts it quite beautifully, so much so that it deserves to be mentioned in this blog more than once, "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way."

"But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you." I am finally believing that this could quite possibly be said of me. It's been a long time coming and the journey isn't finished here, I will keep pressing onward...toward what is ahead of me.