truth is: i need to be carried.

broken-hearted i come
my cup is empty, my mouth is dry
see how quickly i fall
burdened with darkness
heavy in lies

i want to cry, but i can’t
i try to stand but i fall down again

i need You to carry me
i need You to carry me
i need You to carry me
when i am weak

o this can’t be enough
to just say i’m sorry, to confess my fault
when i’ve hurt You so much
and now i am asking for You to do more

i want to cry, but i can’t
i try to stand but i fall down again

i need You to carry me
i need You to carry me
i need You to carry me
when i am weak

i'm always weak...
when I first met you I drew you in close to me
your weaknesses covered with strength and security
I've never left you, nor will I ever leave
child believe, child believe

but you are strong...
when I first met you I drew you in close to me
your weaknesses covered with strength and security
I've never left you, nor will I ever leave
child believe, child believe

i need You to carry me
i need You to carry me
i need You to carry me
when i am weak

"carry me," jenny and tyler

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i just need You to carry me, cause I'm too weak.

it's been a hard, hard week. i don't have the strength to pour out the words, nor the courage to bear my heart, here. i just need You to carry me.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

I am thankful that You love me. I am thankful that You are with me.

I am not alone.

I haven't been left to fend for my own heart, piecing it all back together.

For You are with me.

¹² Moses said to the LORD, “You have been telling me, ‘Lead these people,’ but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, ‘I know you by name and you have found favor with me.’

¹³ If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.”

¹⁴ The LORD replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

¹⁵ Then Moses said to him, “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. ¹⁶ How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?”

¹⁷ And the LORD said to Moses, “I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.”

¹⁸ Then Moses said, “Now show me your glory.”

Weary, wounded, the light is gone here, so won't You please, show me Your glory?

I believe. I trust. No longer will I ask for clarity, I will wait for You-when my heart desires to cave in upon itself, when the pain beckons me off in the distance, when it's seems to be too much of a battle. . .

"He says simply, “I know, my son, I know.”

And that is an incredibly tender thing to say as someone’s expectations crumble.

And I think it’s something God still says to us, even today.

“I know, my son, I know. I know, my daughter, I know. That thing you wanted is not going to happen. Not the way you’ve always dreamed. I know this hurts. I know this stings. I know you feel like I am distant or not aware of where you are and who hurt you and what you think life was supposed to be like. I know in moments like this you doubt that I can count the hairs on your head or have your best in mind. But please, I am not done. I have barely started to reveal your life to you. I am the God who satisfies your desires with good things. That is me! And when it comes to your hopes and your fears and your dreams, I know, my son, I know.”

I think of this moment as the “soft x.”

I think of the tenderness of Israel with his arms outstretched and crossed. I think of our desires and our dreams and the times they don’t work. And above all, I think of a God who wants to tell you he hears you, he loves, he knows you. He is not disconnected or disinterested in who you are and who you want to be. Today, he says,

“I know, my son, I know.”

"The soft X." http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/12/the-soft-x/?awesm=fbshare.me_AYBUW

I will remember that apart from You, I am nothing. My very soul clings to You.

Because You know the hurt, the fight. . . You know me, and right where I am.

Sitting alongside family,

tears became all she could see. . .

suddenly.

She could barely keep breathing,

keep her family from seeing.

The tears fell down her cheeks, unrelenting.

She spoke in gasps, quieter than a whisper.

The reason was unknown to those beside her-

even her.

Clenching a Bible, tightly with her shaking hands,

rushing in prayer to not leave anyone unmentioned,

to Your throne, she ran.

The tears kept falling, the fears kept holding.

and still, she was unknowing.

What could cause such an undeniable torrent of tears?

What could leave this traveled girl clinging to You,

barely staying above the current of her fears?

What could leave her heart so stricken, at a loss at what to do?

Powerless, broken, fainthearted, a heap of tears,

somehow with all her might, still clinging to YOU.

thankfully, a dear friend kept praying for the wounded girl, when no more words were exchanged,

thankfully, she knew grace her with company and lyrics from afar.

thankfully, she was met with family, taken in their open arms.

thankfully, they held her tightly, praying and keeping her heart from more harm.

thankfully, that in the midst of one of her darkest days,

her family, her remedy, knew just what to do, and just what to say. . .

..........................................................................................................................

"And your eyes must do some raining if you're ever gonna grow,
but when crying don't help,
you can't compose yourself,
it's best to compose a poem.
An honest verse of longing, or a simple song of hope.
That's why I'm singing, 'Baby, don't worry- cause now I've got your back.'
And every time you feel like crying, I'll try and make you laugh.
And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad, then we'll wait for it to pass.
And I will keep you company for those days so long and black.
And we'll keep working on the problem
that we know we'll never solve-
of Love's uneven remainders,
our lives are fractions of a whole.
But if the world could remain within a frame
like a painting on a a wall,
I think we'd see the beauty there,
we'd stand staring awe
at our still lives posed
like a bowl of oranges.
Like a story told, by the fault lines and the soil."

~Bowl of Oranges, by Bright Eyes

always running away...

Where do I go, from here?

How do I move, from this place?

This place of utter brokenness and despair, undeniable shame. What have I done, but ran from You?

You are enough. Isn't that so?

So why do I choose to beckon words to be heard from another in Your place?

Why do I race to find comfort in Your people, instead of falling into your open, loving arms?

All is easier said than done, in this battle raged upon my soul and trembling heart.

Moments are claimed, when I have it all together, everything inside composed, all in one piece.

Seconds pass, when I find myself amidst shards of broken glass, my heart, everything in pieces.

Here I am, not put together, not in one piece.

Here I am, lost and found.

Here I am, broken and mended.

Here I am, alone and Your's.

Here I am, take all of me.

So that I might see past the smoke, and find the truest and purest of all loves, Your love, alone.

I cannot reckon that anyone will ever fill my emptiness. I cannot reckon that anyone will ever know me, as I am known by You. I cannot reckon that anyone will ever love me, as I am loved by You.

I want to love You more. I want to spend, and gladly be spent for You. I want to be right where You are.

I don't have everything together. Yet, I have a heart full of hopes and dreams to do something, be something more for You. Take all of me, so that everyone will know-will know Your name. Because You loved, You loved a people, undeserving.

I just can't bear to see You, left behind anymore. I just can't bear to know that You aren't thought of in my every waking moment. You took my place. It's time that I begin to live truly, live fully alive. It's time that my heart, my life, is a living sacrifice, a testament. It's time that I bear Your markings, more than upon my wrist. It's time that people know that nothing will deter me from giving You my everything, loving You, with everything.

"The Lord protects the simple;

when I was brought low, He saved me.

Return, O my soul, to your rest,

for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For you have delivered my soul from death,

my eyes from tears,

my feet from stumbling.

I walk before the Lord in the land of living.

I kept my faith, even when I said,

"I am greatly afflicted." Psalm 116: 8-10

empty of words, stumbling through prayer. .

Stumbling onto the page, again. . .

She sits and stares at the white-washed screen,

begging for your long-lost words to be seen.

Nothing.

Nothing glares back at her.

Nothing at all.

But her thoughts cannot seem to stall,

with the time it takes in between,

the lengthening scenes.

Days seem like years,

and her heart is battling those very same fears.

Dreams have been dreamed,

and thoughts have been thought.

Her heart's cry this very night, "what can you make of this?

Is there something I could have missed?"

It is a wound that is deep, and a scar companied with years.

It is a battle that has been fought with many, many tears.

It is a girl's heart that has been spent,

with just thoughts, at what this all has meant.

And the days seem like years,

and her heart is battling those very same fears.

You have chosen her to love the children, the people,

everyone beneath Your steeple. . .

Does her heart matter in the grand scheme of things?

Should she be a girl graced with one of those dainty, beautifully picked rings?

A lot of thinking these past few days, without accomplishing much, or so it seems.

I almost gave up to sleep tonight, rather than stopping here to record these inner ramblings of a trembling heart.

I almost gave up to sleep, rather stopping to breathe, to just breathe- to be with my Maker.

Because sleep is just so much easier, than acknowledging the battle that I have fought to rid myself of so long ago, as being a part of who I am, today.

It is a night when I don't know how to pray, but I am begging the Holy Spirit to intercede for me.

I just want to be where You are, in Your presence.

The light of Heaven shines, where you are...

It's that time of year. The time of year, most greatly welcome with hearts brimming over in undeniable joy. That time of year, where memories are made beneath the lights of a tree, the candlelight beaming throughout a full sanctuary, the arms of a family's love, the distinct blessing that all is well, because God is graciously, abundantly, always enough.

This year, I experienced the altogether blessing of Christmas. The beautiful joy that comes with this season. If you know me, you know that this means a lot coming from me. The past few years, this time of year has held nothing special, if only instead it has been a time where pain seemed all the more glaringly prominent. The hospital became the home away from home, tears would fall without warning over losing or almost losing someone dear in our lives, tension robbed our hearts of normalcy. Brokenness was my family.

This year, God has given me holidays that bring me to joyful tears. It's as though He has been whispering, "I know you couldn't handle anymore holidays with lost hope. I know you needed to be able to look back on these last few moments with your family with utmost fondness. So here you are, darling girl of mine, here's for holding out hope, for clinging to me with clenched fingers. I have heard your cries. Here you are when the days on the field leave you missing home. Remember your father sitting in his chair, alive and well, laughing at Home Alone 2, your mother with tears in her eyes declaring that was the greatest present she has ever been given, your church being lit by candlelight- with your pastor singling you out in a crowd of thousands pledging prayer for your years to come, your family of four whole, mended, but no longer broken. Tears of joy in the eyes of all, not sorrow. These are your's to remember when the days seem to be more than you can bear. I have heard you. I hear you and I see you. I know you. I know that you needed a Christmas where the light of heaven shined upon you. I know that you needed your family together, with a bond strengthened by the years past. I know that you needed silence to be broken, so that is why I graced you with one last gift. Take heart, for I am always with you, here and on the field to come."

All I can say is this is a Christmas to remember. And if you are out there and a hospital has became a home, depression has taking its' toll on you or someone in your family, if all you can feel is loss and pain taking hold of you. I pray that tonight, You will be reminded that it is enough to cling to Him. He is enough. I pray that you would be comforted that You have a Maker who knows where you are, He knows who you are. Heaven's light shines upon you. There is still hope. There is always hope. You are not alone in this.

So dear Maker, take hold of this child whose eyes have fallen upon a rambling of words, take hold of the daughter struggling to see that in light of everything, all that has been lost, that You are enough, take hold of the son who has fallen out of your light and ran from your sight out of fear that he'll never be enough, take hold of your daughters and sons this very night. . .may Your presence become all the more evident upon their hurting hearts, may they see that their very wounds and hurts are not discounted in Your eyes, that everything the hurt, the joy, the pain, the beauty, everything matters to You. They matter to You. This very night hope is found, because Heaven's light shines upon even this, even these hearts.

Within Reach

You are stronger. It’s a truth that with each passing day seems to grow within me.

I’ve known my share of goodbyes and reckoned with the price of heartbreaking pain. I’ve lingered at the thought of letting go and laying down, when life seemed to get the best of me. I’ve ran from you and resisted Your voice within, with all that I am. I’ve fallen prey to the lies that somewhere along the way, You left me, without hope, without reason, without the strength to move on. I’ve given in to the doubts that I am not good enough, and will never be. I’ve clung to people in Your place and…scarcely have I wanted to let go easily.

In the midst of all that I have done and all that I am; Your steadfast love never ceases, Your mercies are new every morning. I’ve failed You. I’ve written you off and chosen to flee when everything seemed to be falling apart, time and again.

But I was never too far out of Your reach…I was always within it.

For all of this, tears of thanksgiving are beginning to fall down my cheeks, because my every cry has been heard. Despite my running and all of my misgivings, I am loved. Despite everything I have done, You love me. You love this daughter whose hope was once lost, whose voice was once unheard, whose reason was once overshadowed. You spoke life into me through Your word, Your time, and Your beautiful people. And every last one, whether in present or past, rest upon my heart to this day. Tonight, it’s a prayer for them. For each and every one. That they might know You and all of Your love. That they might reckon with the doubts, the pain, the past and find they were and always will be within Your loving reach, as You beckon them home.

And I’ll stand with heart abandoned, because all I am, is Your’s. It’s Your’s. Only Your’s.