i carry you in me.

To my dearest chanita and savv, and others alike,

It is 1:25 and I am wide awake. This wouldn’t be unheard of, or even be unwelcome if I was still in college. These are the lonely hours, now. The hours once spent in the company of numerous friends surrounding bacon sandwiches and contagious laughter, while watching a much-loved series, dancing in a parking lot, pouring out our hearts in prayer, or even in the midst of paper-writing. Those are the moments that remain to be most cherished as I sit and reminisce with my computer screen, tonight’s only company.

I denied being wide awake for about an hour or so, long after I said goodnight to Gilmore, in the hopes that my missing those dearly loved would fade, at least for the time being, into sleep. Yet alas, I sit, wide awake. I wonder what it will take for you to know that you are thought of with each passing day and loved all the more. It’s difficult this being quite some distance away; maybe all the more difficult because I know that in time, the distance between us will only continue to grow. I hope that the distance will only be counted in miles, and it not become a friendship collected in dust alongside photographs and occasional text messages. Although, that is something only God knows.

The point in all this will probably be lost upon you, and maybe when I return to read this for myself, it will long be lost even upon me. I say all this, because at 1:25 you were all I could think of, and have been for quite some time. I left a piece of my heart with you, and whether or not I stumble into your arms again for a much needed hug…you are thought of with each passing day, when you hurt I long to do everything I can to take your pain away. When time passes between our occasional conversations, I wonder what more can I do to show you that I am here for you, and that truth will never change. Because with your friendship I felt and saw the very fingerprints of God, and nothing will ever take that away.

So know that you are prayed for, and you are loved. Whether we are sitting together at Starbucks looking back into our beautiful past, miles away, or across a distant sea… know that I carry you in me.

pieces of me.

What is today, but a mere breath?

I haven't written in quite some time. Maybe because anymore...I don't allot the time for myself to do so. And today is one of those days when it seems my heart is crying out for affirmation. I know I have some beautiful people in my life that believe in me, that most importantly my God believes in me. Yet on days, like today, I can't say that I feel this truth in my heart. It's absent....and I am searching.

I don't even know if this makes sense to anyone, but myself. Yet, I am typing these words into oblivion. Perchance, they will be seen.

Distance is taking a toll on friendships, as of late. I saw them once with hopeful eyes, thinking that goodbye wouldn't be the final goodbye. Yet, I am weary of fighting alone and it seems that I just need to let go. I can't carry them anymore. I'll fight on my knees, but otherwise it's taking a toll on me. I can't do it anymore.

This is the mess of me, and the sad truth is...where is the once easily written poetry?

These words are merely pieces scattered throughout, and even writing this was difficult.

So I take a breath, and look at home, knowing it's not far off now. That is what will bring me through. You will bring me through.